These Couples Say Separate Bedrooms Saved Their Sleep. Is It Right for You?

Cathy Chapaty is a snorer. She has sleep apnea, and yes, she's tried CPAP machines (twice), Breathe Right Strips, nose extension plugs, mouth guards and everything you can think of to stop snoring. None of it's worked. Chapaty, a phone relay operator in Austin, Texas, and her wife, Mare, have been together since 1997, but in recent years the snoring got worse. Three years ago, her wife asked Chapaty how she'd feel if Mare slept in their guest room.

"I watch way too many crime shows, so I'm thinking, this is a sign of a marriage in trouble," said Chapaty. "I've seen Dateline."

Still, they gave it a try. 

"After I got over it being a statement on the state of our relationship," Chapaty said, "I realized, 'Oh, I can snore as much as I want. If she wakes up a lot or tosses and turns, it's not my fault anymore.'"

For the last three years, the change has done wonders for the couple's sleep, and for their relationship as well. The guest room futon has been upgraded to a full-sized bed. 

"We sleep together when we're traveling and we [use] a white noise box [that travels with us]," Chapaty said. "But other than that, it's been working for us."

More and more US couples sleep separately

They may sleep separately, but they're not alone. More and more couples in the US, about a third of them, are opting to sleep in separate bedrooms, according to survey results released last year by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine. The survey of more than 2,000 US adults showed that these couples either occasionally or consistently sleep in another room to avoid having their sleep disrupted by snoring, different sleep schedules or any other number of factors. 

This comes at a time when the market for sleep apps, podcasts, beds that accommodate couples' different preferences, supplements and gadgets that can track sleep is exploding. Precedence Research estimates the sleep aid market is expected to grow to a $131.35 billion industry by 2032, a more than 60% increase from $81.82 billion last year. 

Americans appear to be prioritizing sleep more as research shows the devastating effects poor slumber can have on our health, said Seema Khosla, the medical director for the North Dakota Center for Sleep, who also hosts the podcast Talking Sleep for the AASM.

"It used to be a badge of honor not to sleep and I feel like things have shifted," Khosla said. "Our awareness of the importance of sleep is probably improving."

Read more: I Was Always Waking Up Tired. I Used Tech and Science To Sleep Better

Khosla said that more and more couples are deciding that a good night's rest is more important than accommodating a partner's loud snoring, or keeping up the appearances of a couple that sleeps together no matter what. In addition to other factors such as pets, phone notifications or too much light in a room, a disruptive bed partner can be a problem for a number of reasons.

Some couples can't agree on a room temperature, have opposite sleep schedules due to their jobs or may not be able to share blankets comfortably. 

If those factors aren't agreed upon, "that causes resentment that sort of festers," Khosla said. "And then if you haven't slept well, you're probably a little bit crankier and not as kind in how you approach things." 

When the AASM study was released last year, with a headline referencing sleeping separately as "sleep divorce," a rash of stories appeared about famous couples who engage in the practice, such as Cameron Diaz and her husband Benji Madden. The late Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip also had separate bedrooms, as depicted in Netflix's The Crown. And some publications, including The Washington Post, jumped to the defense of Donald and Melania Trump when Us Magazine ran a cover story on how the Trumps reportedly sleep apart. We've apparently come full circle from the days when TV couple Ricky and Lucy Ricardo were forced into separate beds on air due to TV censorship.

Don't call it a 'sleep divorce'

But not everyone appreciates the phrase "sleep divorce." 

"I really hate that term," said Michelle Walton Adams, a data specialist for a financial services firm who lives in Cathedral City, California. Adams says she and Bill, her husband of 28 years, have been happily sleeping separately for about 16 years. When one of her sons went to college, freeing up a spare room, her husband started sleeping in that bed.

"I was a little offended at first, but then I realized there were a lot of benefits for both of us," she said. 

He likes blackout curtains and complete darkness, she likes to watch TV to fall asleep. He wants lots of blankets and pillows to build a personal fort, she likes to keep things loose with the bedding. 

"We didn't realize what a relief it would be to be able to sleep in separate bedrooms until we started doing it," Adams said.

There are exceptions: when the family lived in Texas and suffered through the 2021 winter snow storm with no power, they slept in her king-sized bed for warmth. "He came in there and I had plenty of blankets and the dogs were able to come in and sleep with us and kept us warm as well," Adams said.

Is it right for you?

Khosla said couples can try first to negotiate a sleep schedule and room temperature that can mutually accommodate both sleepers. Some have found success with the Scandinavian sleep method, in which each person has their own duvet or blanket. But separate bedrooms shouldn't be off the table if it means better sleep and more overall harmony in the home.

If you're considering sleeping separately, but aren't quite ready, there's a few things you can try first. For snoring issues, a sleep study is important to determine whether sleep apnea is a factor and if something like a CPAP machine might help. Using sleep gadgets, such as smartwatches or other sleep trackers, can be great, but too much information can cause anxiety as well. 

"Then that triggers insomnia because now we're stressed out that we're not getting the sleep we need," Khosla said.

Couples can try to address tension by compromising on things like bed temperature. Cooling pads and mattresses with cooling channels are an option. For different sleep schedules, negotiating a bedtime that works for both sleepers can help. And before graduating to separate bedrooms, separate beds in the same room could help some couples, if snoring isn't a major issue.

Above all, whatever you decide, be respectful, not resentful. 

"It really does have to be something you both agree on, or else that becomes a source of friction," Khosla said.

But in the end, you might find separate bedrooms a dream solution.

"I can't tell you how many people who've been married 40 or 50 years who swear that separate bedrooms is the key to their successful relationship," Khosla said.