All right, Metal Gear Solid 5 is out in just a few weeks, our review will be live this Sunday, but until then, fans of Snake are getting pretty excited.
What am I most looking forward to?
Why, all the new bosses, of course.
Kojima is amazing at making memorable bosses; amazing, ridiculous, dumb bosses.
So this list isn't some tired **** list of best bosses, a whole website would do that.
2015, I think SEO hand in bull ****, it's been done a thousand times.
And we know what they are anyways.
Sniper wolf, the end, the sorrow, the boss, and psycho man are the best ones.
No, this is the list of the weirdest bosses, the five times even [UNKNOWN] might have jumped the shark.
Maybe he had too much booze that night, or maybe he saw something done in a movie, or maybe he just wanted to hang out with some models.
In any case.
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These are the five most ridiculous bosses in the history of metal gear, and believe me, cutting this down to five was no simple task.
Number five, the pain.
Alright, I want to talk to you about the beginning of what many consider the best metal gear your solid game, your solid three snake eater.
All in all the first few hours of the game are pretty grounded.
You halo jump out of a plane, say hi to some alligators and attempt to exfiltrate a scientist, pretty standard.
Spy stuff.
That is, until you attempt to backtrack across a rope bridge and a cut scene kicks in.
You know some shit's about to go down, and you're mind is racing for ideas.
Now rope bridges are a pretty common sight in movies and games, so there are a bunch of things that we assume might happen here.
One, the other side of the bridge could have enemies on it.
Two, somebody tries to cut the bridge before you cross, or three, it gets a bit windy, and it's kinda scary and stuff.
Remember, this is a Kojima game, so anything you expect to happen won't happen.
And something you never thought was possible is probably just around the corner.
Say, for instance, a man made of bees attacking you from a helicopter.
The Pain is a two meter tall soldier who's capable of controlling hornets.
Not only to mask the sound of approaching helicopters, pretty specific use case really, but also to murder people with the power of bees.
He can also shoot them from his mouth, like bullets, which is the opposite problem Nicholas Cage had in The Wicker Man.
[SOUND] Oh no, not the bees!
Not the bees!
Aah!
[SOUND].
Oh they're in my eyes!
My eyes!
[SOUND].
Because really when you create a character who's a nest for insects why not have him be able to shoot bees from his mouth like bullets.
They act like real insects too so if you wear white camouflage The hornets will ignore you, much like the rest of the society.
Number 4, solving robot wolf ladies.
[LAUGH] The beauty in the beast here in this Metal Gear Solid 4 are not only amazing because they're essentially in the game because Kojima wants to hang out with a bunch of models, you know the feeling keeper.
But also because every one of them is conceptually ridiculous.
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That consists of floating mind puppeteer, with tiny insect baby's.
And ink spewing future robot octopus, who finds death hilarious.
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Its all so [BLEEP] hysterical,
And a giant bird controlling shaman, who won't stop screaming about that [UNKNOWN] software game nobody bought.
Rage.
But my favorite is Crying Wolf, because the first time I saw her, she made me feel sick to my stomach, just freaked the hell out and completely uncomfortable.
Why?
Because she's lady hidden inside a robot wolf suit who will not stop crying [SOUND]
as she's murdering people She's just sobbing, wailing uncontrollably with this **** up digital voice, and also she can smell enemies because of some future robot computer reason that [UNKNOWN] made up, you know, wolves.
People fear what they don't Understand and to this day I fear and do not understand Crying Wolf.
Maybe it's because I hate people crying.
Maybe it's because I'm scared of wolves.
Or maybe it's because in her back story she killed a bunch of children in an African refugee camp.
I guess I'll never know.
Number three, President Solidus.
Solidus Snake, you're dad was the president of the United States.
He wears a Doctor Octopus suit and shoots missiles.
And you sword fight him on top of the US treasury building.
I mean, yeah.
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That's all I've got for this one.
It's **** weird.
Number 2, Vampire Man!
Vamp is pretty cool.
Or at least he was in Metal Gear Solid 4 when he danced on Raiden's chest that one time.
Otherwise, he's sort of a dumb, future version of a vampire.
He regenerates health, he drinks blood, he can walk on water, he can run on walls, he's from the same company as Dracula.
Vamp, Vampire, yeah, we get it Kojima, it makes sense!
But actually, wait.
Not really.
That's what-
Vamp is a member of Dead Cell.
Born in Romania, his specialty is knives, but I guess you know that by now.
When he was just a kid, he lost his family to a terrorist bomb that went off in a church they were attending.
His body pierced by a crucifix, Vamp was buried under the rubble for two days before he was finally rescued.
During those two days, he survived by feeding on the blood of his family to quench his thirst.
That was how he acquired a taste for blood.
So that's why they call him Vamp.
No.
Vamp isn't for vampire.
It's because he's bisexual.
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Yes, despite the fact that he's an immortal, Romanian blood-drinking dude who looks like a vampire and talks like a vampire, he's called Vamp because he likes to kiss both boys and girls.
Proof that even when you think you know where Kajima is pulling his ideas from, you actually have no idea.
Also if anyone could let me know who calls bisexual people vamps, I'd really appreciate it.
I think I might have missed that lesson in Bigotry 101.
Or maybe I just don't understand Japanese culture.
Oh ****, Internet minefield.
I'm outta here.
So here we are, number one.
You probably already disagree with five through two, so let's go for the full house.
Who's the weirdest boss in Metal Gear?
Could it be the weird tea party dude from the end of Rising, or running man, the olympic Sprinter from Metal Gear 2, or Fat man, the wine drinking rollerblading bomb disposal expert.
Or maybe The End, a 100-year-old sniper you can kill by not playing the game and allowing him to die of old age.
No, the weirdest boss in Metal Gear Solid is so dumb, that even Kojima himself found it too dumb And changed his mind in a later game.
In Metal Gear Solid one, you defeat Liquid Snake and Revolver Ocelot has his arm chopped off.
But, at some point, he had Liquid's arm stuck onto his stump and was apparently possessed by the arm.
I have no intention of selling Metal Gear.
Did you miss Oss?
Yes, he had his dead friend's arm grafted onto his, and he was possessed.
We know this because he spoke with Liquid's voice in "Metal Gear Solid Two.
You know who I am.
Liquid.
Not so young anymore, eh, Snake?
But by the time Liquid Ocelot returned in Metal Gear Solid 4, Kojima had retconned the story with some **** about Ocelot using
Using hypnosis to become a mental Doppelganger of liquid who only appeared when Solid Snake came over for tea.
But I, I live on through this arm!
But the haunted arm story in two was so ridiculous, that even Kojima had regrets, and decided to rewrite history for his latest game.
I'm taking it back
Will he do the same in Metal Gear Solid V?
Will we see even more ridiculous bosses?
I sure hope so.
Come back this Sunday the 23rd to see our review from Metal Gear Solid V, The Phantom Pain, and for continuing coverage of the wonderful world of [UNKNOWN].
Stay tuned to Gamespot.com.
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