We play the tech-merger matchmaker game (The 3:59, Ep. 253)
And good morning on Monday, July 17 this episode 253 of the 359 podcast and as promised, we are continuing to fill the hopper with some pre recorded evergreen shows while we, We are on technical hiatus so if any of this information is outdated we apologize it's the future.
It could be.
We will try our best not to be outdated.
Ben Roger we got something different in store today to my understanding?
Yeah I'm a little nervous.
This is Ben's idea so if it's terrible blame Ben.
Blame me and it's genius Roger will take credit if it's so good.
Okay so in honor of the surprising $13.7 billion deal Amazon made for Whole Foods we decided to play a little matchmaker game in which I throw out hypothetical merger deals and Roger has to immediately justify them.
And part of the game is he has to justify each one, he can't crap on them, he can't say that this is a bad idea.
Which is bad cuz I love crapping on things.
That's the game you have to.
Right I know and let's keep this in mind.
What are you a pigeon.
Yeah I wish spread my wings and fly away, no the important part of this game is that I don't know.
Any of the companies that Ben's put together, any of these mergers.
Right, has not been appraised.
I know they get more and more ridiculous as they go on, I'm gonna have to think on my feet a little bit here.
Let's get started.
This could either just terrible or hilarious.
You're gonna do so great, I'm gonna start you off with two easy one's, okay?
All right, all right.
Apple buys Tesla.
Apple has been wanting to into self-driving cars.
They been talking about developing A.I. A.I. to run, software to run into different cars.
It's a lot easier if you own the car maker itself that put that A.I.
You gotta get the cow.
And you know what?
They got a very compatible Brand, right, luxury brand, high end, they are high tech.
How have they not done this already, you totally sold me on this.
They should do this.
Okay Google buys Netflix.
Google has been dying to get into the content business for a long time,obviously they've got YouTube, they've got YouTube Red, their subscription service
What better way to add to your library and your catalogue than having the Netflix catalogue at your disposal.
Okay Amazon buys Walmart, Home Depot, and Kroger, all of them.
Because we don't go to the stores anymore.
Why even have them?
[CROSSTALK] There are, like, three of those stores left anyway.
Amazon basically already is taking over those stores.
They're pretty much dead already.
Might as well just put them out of their misery and buy them up now.
Facebook buys Philip Morris.
[LAUGH] My god.
Well, you know, they've been trying to stamp out negative comments.
I don't know how this this actually, the trolls would be too busy smoking cigarettes if they hand them out, I don't know.
Okay, all right.
Philip Morris is a cigarette company?
It's a cigarette company, what I was going with with that-
With that one?
Was that their both Addictive, they are both addictive that was your answer right there, all right, okay.
I was trying to logic my way out of that, it was not working.
Okay, maybe I over thought that one.
McDonald's buys Nvidia.
[LAUGH] My God, I'm stamping here.
All right all right, because
Will big Mac need more graphics processors?
The higher resolution big Mac image is.
If those big Macs look like super high res, you might want it more.
I literally went down like SMP 500.
I just picked two random ones.
By the way, we're burning to this really week.
Maybe you should slow down, man.
How long this has been?
I have a lot.
Go ahead and by the way, buy and feel free to weigh in other increasingly ridiculousness of-
Yeah, they got ridiculous pretty quickly.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Why does it makes sense for one to buy the other, right?
I don't know business.
Well then, it's all me.
Let's do it.
Okay, I'll get you back to an easy line.
No, this is not.
I've thrown you off that thoroughly.
Goldman sets by his PayPal.
It's bank company, right?
So makes sense.
The financial services company going to the digital age.
All right, that was too easy.
Yeah I know, kind of boring.
Fine now I'm gonna go to the-
Okay let me see, fine, I'll start doing the really wacky ones.
Microsoft buys the Hoover Dam
All right, they need a power source.
That's a pretty good one!
Yeah, it's a clean power source to run their servers.
That actually kind of makes sense in a weird
I just had this really bizarre-
Hoover Dam with the [UNKNOWN] on it now.
No, I was thinking a huge [UNKNOWN] update.
You put Windows 10 logos all over the Hoover Dam, giant logos.
I'm very impressed.
Yeah, you fly over there like look at Microsoft
Uber to him I mean I"m sorry the Windows 10 Hoover Dam.
I totally made that one up and you justified the living crap out of it way to go.
They'd have to rebrand it though, would they call it the Windows 10 dam?
The Windows 10 Hoover Dam.
They'd call it the Bomber dam.
That would be bad rhetoric saying the operating system slows you down.
Call it the Hoover firewall.
That's better, except it's blocking water, not fire.
It's got the idea though.
Fire water wall.
Brian is now turned onto it, now that I've gone to the ridiculous ones.
I like it, I like it.
Here's a good one and maybe you can both answer this one.
Apple buys a country which one?
As I gonna say Iceland for tax implication.
Okay that's interesting.
I was gonna I was gonna go with the UK.
Yeah because there is.
Yeah there is spinning off the EU so now they're gonna be available.
And Big Ben could use an upgrade.
Maybe they're gonna turn it into a giant Apple watch.
Giant digital clock.
[LAUGH] A giant digital clock.
Yes, and it'll be like the Mickey Mouse head.
The Giant Mickey Mouse head [CROSSTALK]
To do a lot of things with the UK.
I think Apple should at least consider it.
Yeah, and know they have a lot of money they might be able to pull it off.
They've been looking for content.
There's tons of great shows in the BBC.
It's all those shows.
I mean, it's weird.
And it's a weird way to buy the show by buying the country that produces content.
You can buy it but make sure you buy-
The BBC is government.
[UNKNOWN] they would start making Apple
Apple stuff, maybe Will.iam would start getting thrown in.
I'm a big fan of Sherlock.
And then Will.iam would be included in that show as well.
Go for it, explain it.
Pink snobby hipster dumb plus they wear turtlenecks over there.
You just blown my mind.
I work for the nerdiest answer.
Tax implications, man.
Well I was throwing a lot of business questions at you so that's okay.
Sorry, by the way, for our readers or viewers who don't know that Ireland is a very, it's been known as like a tax haven for companies making way too much money.
So if they park their profits over there, they get very low tax rates.
There you go.
Actually, how much time have we been on?
Cuz now, I am running out of self.
We're going on eight minutes.
I'm enjoying myself.
Okay, so Facebook buys a baby.
I love the Trueman show.
What year is it?
Come on, really?
We're pretty close.
We're pretty close to Facebook purchasing a baby?
I mean, I don't think they'll purchase a baby in America.
I think baby from somewhere else.
Maybe in Apple-owned France.
Yeah, there you go.
Yeah, they'll just team up with the French, and, yeah.
You now what they don't have to buy a baby, families will sign up for whatever this is.
That's kinda sad.
Like way sooner than 2020, if there's some sort of experiment where Facebook's like we'll offer you free housing room and board for 20 years if you.
Agreed to basically be on Facebook live all the time.
Don't you think it's more logical or more likely for Apple to be the ones to buy the baby and Facebook to own a country?
And then just rebrand the country Facebookia?
And then [CROSSTALK] Apple makes the iBaby?
Why would Apple need an iBaby?
Facebook doesn't need to buy a country they're bigger than any other country out there.
They like roboticze a baby al la like Robocop and just fill it with.
That's pretty messed up.
Does it also fight crime?
I would watch that TV show.
A crime fighting robo baby.
Brought to you by Apple and it would be all [UNKNOWN] aluminium.
It would be an [UNKNOWN]
I would watch that show, if that was a TV show I would watch that show.
What year is it with this robot crime fighting baby.
I think Roger's pretty close on 2020 look how many stupid looking robots we have running around.
We've gone over and over this like.
As cool as robots are, we just keep making them, look kinda wimpier and lamer.
Although, to be fair-
Robocop wasn't a robot, he was a cyborg, right?
He's half-human, half-cop.
It could happen originally human part cop became a robot.
As opposed to a humanoid robot which is an android.
All right, thank you for filibustering for me, because I'm pretty low on topics at this point.
I told you, man.
You're burning through those topics super quick.
Fine, Coke buys Pepsi.
Who drinks Pepsi anymore?
Seriously, have you seen a Pepsi bottle basically?
[UNKNOWN] mean yes but-
But yeah, Pepsi.
People drink Pepsi?
People drink Pepsi.
Pepsi also owns a lot of snack foods.
So [UNKNOWN] Doritos
Which are delicious.
There you go.
You've just justified the purchase for me.
Why did we go down soda pop?
I don't know.
He's just going.
I'm now on like the lower.
A gamer drink or what?
I don't know.
You're right, this is not [UNKNOWN].
Is Mountain Dew a Coke brand?
No, it's Pepsi.
Yeah, Mountain Dew is Pepsi.
Remember Code Red?
It's still out there.
Is this still?
Do gamers still drink that or is that-
I don't think there's a specific preference when it comes to the Mountain Dew brand.
I think Mountain Dew is just kind of like
Becomes anonymous with like basement gaming.
Very negative unfortunate kind of notation even though they should necessarily but is what mountain do we do this joke.
I'm doing basically gaming it's Red Bull.
All right so let's let's do this one.
I don't know, maybe this'll be interesting.
A tech company buys the Presidency.
Which tech company?
It's a tossup between Google and Facebook.
Pretty obvious answers.
Facebook pretty much owns the country.
I thought Twitter already did.
No one no one wants to buy Twitter.
A twitter is mentioned.
I know that was already gang no one wants to buy Twitter.
No one wants to buy Twitter.
No but the Facebook literally all I have to do like change some of the algorithms just solve different kinds of news.
Get you outraged or motivated [INAUDIBLE] perspective.
Right so just take over-
And Zuckerberg is already gonna run for president right?
It's a drill.
Like he is he is saying he is not but he is like running it's like my goal is to visit all 50 states this yeah I think that's his personal goal, he is been having these sit downs with like
Local, they have regular families in middle America.
Facebook is totally going to buy the presidency, and there's nothing we can do about it.
There's no money they need to spend.
They just need to tweak the algorithms on your newsfeed.
Zuckerberg's the greatest.
Zuckerberg is president.
He doesn't even have to win.
Get fake new.
So this was actually one that had been bandied about.
This was at the bottom of a recode story once.
You know it's true.
You know this one.
So you know it's true.
It says Google [buys?] Our parent company, CBS.
You knew this one was coming.
Like a freight train.
So, yes, CBS is our parent company.
All hail CBS.
The justification is I would finally get access to their awesome cafeterias.
Okay, the justification is that CBS is a great company and who wouldn't acquire such a wonderful, well run
My god we've really just crapped the bed with this on I'm sorry.
Love you Les.
I'm sorry guys.
I'm kind of out of them already I have other ones.
Roger flip the game here turn it around on Ben.
He wants to flip the script, I have a bunch of repetitive ones.
Like Google buys Ford or Amazon buys General Electric, but we kinda went over that.
Okay, let's actually keep this fun and kind of rhetorical, because the reality of it is Google is going to buy all of them.
Mm-hm, that is true.
All right, what about something weird, well, I'll throw Twitter in the mix.
Uber buys Twitter.
Well, they're both tarnished brands, they could help each other out, and-
But do two tarnished brands make for a-
Yes, two wrongs always make a right.
That's what the saying is.
So, and they'll do a reverse merger, where Travis gets to come back and run.
Come bike with me.
And run CEO of Twitter and Uber and Square.
Does he kick out Jack?
Yeah Jack gets kicked out.
Travis is back because you can't keep that guy down.
He's just too much of an awesome bro.
And Uber uses Twitter's, I don't know, whatever algorithm thing to reinvigorate their brand.
Everybody now loves.
So like your Twitter feed will be just full of,
Uber's the best [CROSSTALK]
Right from Pepe frogs, yeah they're gonna get the Pepe frogs to back Uber.
Isn't he dead didn't they retire or kill that meme?
They may have yeah so.
Along with Harambe and all that.
But that's a pretty good one I was looking at publically traded companies but yeah Uber buys Twitter that's a pretty good one, I'd like to see that one happen.
I've got one.
okay, it could be silly.
Twitter buys a lottery ticket and a six pack of miller high life.
You know they're doing better than you right now.
I don't know if they [LAUGH]
Have the money for that, it sounds a little rich for me.
But I'd like to see them try.
Because MIller HIgh Life that's a little expensive for that.
I like to see companies get ambitious, for sure.>> Poor Twitter, I hope the poor Twitter people aren't watching this.
[LAUGH] Just start crying
We're just kidding, whatever.
We're just having fun, Twitter.
I'm on Twitter constantly.
No, I live on Twitter.
You have another one are we?
Yes I did have another one.
Samsung buys Jack in the Box.
My god that's so.
Wait you know what Jack in the Box is it's a west coast thing you can't assume everyone knows.
Okay so Samsung they've been selling a lot of smart fridges.
They're gonna use Jack in the Box as a tie in.
To deliver you Jack in the Box food.
You press a button on your smart fridge.
And you get fast food even faster.
I like it.
Right to your house.
I like it.
Using Samsung drones to deliver your
Using Samsung drones.
heat it up with small controlled explosions.
That totally worked.
That totally works.
I was gonna say they would microwave their two tacos with Samsung microwaves.
With Samsung, with their exploding phones.>> [LAUGH] Again we're just kidding folks.
We're just kidding Samsung.
We're killing time here on a Thursday night as we pre tape this for the hiatus.
Don't say that.
We don't wanna ruin the magic.
This is live we sware.
I think that was pretty good though.
I found it to be fairly successful, it was fun.
Let me throw this out there in case people are interested.
We have tried crowdsourcing things before.
To like minimal.
Enthusiasm, but.that's okay.
If you're at all interested in this and you want us to do another one of these types of episodes, put it in the comments.
We will answer.
We actually read the comments.
We do read the comments.
As much of a cesspool as it can be.
I'm gonna take that back.
We will not read.
Anyone of them because that will allow you guys to hijack the show, [LAUGH] And always we dont wanna happen but before we get enough for a good comments maybe we'll do a show just from like user generated cloud source-
Merger deals like match maker.
Can I ask one last one?
This is Hulu buys Olive Garden.
Wow, I mean I might need to call in a friend with Brian on that one that just doesn't make any sense in the world to me.
Insert joke about bread sticks, I don't know.
I was really trying to find some random companies.
That one's not easy.
No that's hard, maybe you could do something like.
I don't even know.
Something about product placement.
If you watch Hulu shows that are showing while you eat your Italian whatever meal.
I haven't been to an Olive Garden in a while.
My God, what they do is they insert mini tv screens in the bread sticks so while you're eating you can watch Hulu shows.
I mean I'm surprised they haven't done it already.
So would you eat the breadsticks with the TV?-
You would eat the breadsticks, they're edible televisions.
[LAUGH] That is-
Again, we apologize, viewers, for this rather unusual episode of the 359.
Standing by for inevitable-
they're out of ideas comments.
I was gonna say cancellation
Bonnie's gonna watch this I'd be like what is going on here?
I must say this is probably our best show ever.
All right let's wrap it up.
Yeah no no this was good I had fun.
Hopefully you guys will have fun watching this hopefully, I don't know.
I don't know well if you want your ten minutes back just email us.
It's been like 30 minutes.
It's felt like an eternity though.
Just contact CNET customer support.
We'll write you a check for 20, 30 minutes, right.
It's about three cents.
All right, well, we've got another pretaped show coming up along this week.
Yep, one more.
And then we'll be back on July 24th.
On the regular live situation?
Will be able to take questions.
Ben will be back.
I'm still gone.
Actually, I'm on vacation.
I'll be away from you guys.
You want to outro us?
If you like anything you saw or heard here, check us out on cnet.
Our podcast is also available on iTunes, [UNKNOWN], [UNKNOWN], Soundcloud, [UNKNOWN], and Google Play music.
See y'all later!