So you've been nominated for an Oscar.
You've got a dress, you've got your date and you're so (inaudible) that you've shed 30% of your water weight.
I'm so hungry.
But there's one thing you've forgotten.
Dude, your acceptance speech.
Like seriously, the only thing you had to remember.
Anyway, I'm here to tell you that's it not enough to just write an acceptance speech these days.
You need to go viral.
Your face needs to be gif-able your speech needs to get hash tagged and if all goes well, you'll get a bad lip reading done, but all that's really hard when you're an actor.
I should I know, I did a 12 month intensive mime course at Julliard.
Anyway, I've got you covered.
Here are eight tips to writing the perfect acceptance speech and going viral.
One, [BLEEP] up the entrance but not too much, I'm not talking a full trip over, just a cute, sexy trip, like enough to get Hugh Jackman to wanna come and rescue you, it's like I'm funny, and awkward and approachable, and I eat hamburgers but I'm still skinny, I'm talking like funny awkward, not awkward ugly, it's the real life version of Instagram ugly cute, not like double chins [SOUND]
But, you're fun.
Two, you are Social, like seriously sharp.
I literally can't believe it.
I mean, not literally, cuz you had a 20% chance of winning in a group of five, and we all know that one is a completely numpty who is never gonna win anyway.
But my gosh, I'm so surprised.
So give us those face reacts, widen your eyes, big stupid mouth.
But the most important thing remember, don't be ugly.
Three, you've been shocked for a bit, so now it's time for the meat and veg of the speech, the thank yous.
You've got your academies, you've got your gods, you've got your moms and dads.
Remember, this is gonna show that you're really humble, despite the fact that you got a $1.2 million paycheck for that walk on role in Modern Family.
They better put me next to Sofia Vergara in the commercials.
Anyway no one's gonna use this on Tweeter but it shows that you're really approachable and as long as you don't thank Harvey Weinstein, you're pretty much safe.
Four inside jokes from Hollywood, make sure you throw in some obscure names no one's really gonna care about like thanks To the craft services crew or Bradley, you were the most amazing talent agent a girl could ever ask for.
If that doesn't work then just throw in some behind the scenes stop to make those mouth breathers at home really feel like they are getting inside view of Hollywood.
Like the fact that you and your co-stars got matching tattoos.
It means, destiny.
Forget that fact that you're eating crab puffs in the green room while he's washed up on season 34 of Celebrity Apprentice, it's going to make you look so approachable.
Five, get political.
If we know anything about the lefty pinko Hollywood bubble, it's that they're gonna I love you talking about climate change or Trump or I don't know the alienation of minorities women and people of colour and how the make up of the academy essentially ensures that only the most inoffensive films win Oscars.
Because we need to maintain a hegemony and remember the entire Hollywood system is build on a fragile framework of white male privilege or dogs.
Talking about dogs, people love animals, right?
I'm not talking when a [INAUDIBLE] tears.
[SOUND] Hysterical women, am I right?
No, I'm talking about those beautiful little tears that turn your eyes into tiny diamonds because, remember, tears look good at every angle.
They're like sequins for your eyeballs, and look, while we're on the topic, I know it's a lot to ask, but if you could shed one perfect tear, ala Cher in Moonstruck, then that's gonna be your [UNKNOWN] Number seven, and this is really important, because you're gonna We're gonna start running out of time, take a selfie there is no better way to generate content and to take it yourself, remember the other steps still apply here no ugly angles, look sharp but hot, pose with another actor, name drop a celebrity then add a hashtag so, #blessedtowintonight, Meryl thinking of you girl #stopfelineinfluenza.
And finally, number eight.
Make a graceful exit.
The music should be starting to play you out by now, so you should go out with a splash.
Just lift up the statuette and go out on the banger line like, you like me, you really like me.
Or suck it James Cameron.
And that's it.
No more chugging the domestic mid-range sparkling like you're at the BAFTAs.
You're an Oscar winner now, and you've just gone viral.
So grab your statue, get off stage, open Instagram and start harvesting them likes because category is Oscar Eleganza and you're a winner baby.