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The 3G iPhone survival guide

We've stumbled across a rather handy 3G iPhone survival guide on the Internet. We're guessing it's going to be shipped with 3G iPhones somewhere overseas, but it makes for a rather curious read...

Ah, the Interwebs. Via the magic of email from a secret source in parts foreign we've got our mitts on a copy of a 3G iPhone survival guide -- which will no doubt be standard issue with every 3G iPhone sold in, you know, Asia or somewhere.

Unfortunately, the copy of the survival guide we've secured is written in a foreign tongue (Klingon? Vogon?), but thanks to a nifty online tool, we've been able to translate it and reveal its important tips. We can't, of course, guarantee that all the translations are perfect, but we hope you'll get the gist of it. From the looks of it, being a 3G iPhone owner may present some unique challenges... -Andrew Lim

Images by Justin Zwierzanski, Mark Lawrence and Russell Willis/

We're not sure what feeling 'big love with your iPhone' is exactly, but this page definitely contains some literally handy advice. If confronted by an old iPhone user -- potentially crazed with upgrade jealousy -- a swift twist of the wrist will hide it out of sight and a smattering of crazy talk will ward off any suspicions that you're packing a 3G iPhone.

With its nifty screen and lovely browser, the 3G iPhone is going to be a great companion during long bus and train rides. But what happens if you have an unwanted companion reading behind you? You can't possibly talk to a shoulder surfer: that would just be weird. Instead, use your jumper as a makeshift cocoon -- it sounds mad, but we tried it out using another phone and it works remarkably well.

Meeting 'good long-time' friends is always fun, but what if it all goes wrong and your friend chooses to meet up in a precarious end of town? In a stroke of genius that only people involved with creating the 3G iPhone could come up with, the guide suggests to use an empty crisp packet as a makeshift casing -- no one will try to steal that. It's a simple solution, but then again the simple ones are usually the most effective.

There's nothing worse than getting on to public transport after a very long day and being harassed by pesky kids. But imagine you're carrying your 3G iPhone and the school children see it, what then? This is where the 'foetal position move' in the guide comes into play. Following the guide's careful steps, you must use your entire body as a self-made 3G iPhone shield to protect your precious cargo. It might look cowardly, but you'll have the last laugh.

We've all been there -- you get to work and suddenly realise that you've left your phone at home. It would be fine if it wasn't a very good phone -- but when it comes to the 3G iPhone, handling your withdrawal symptoms will be important. If you're feeling particularly uneasy about being away from your beloved handset, the guide offers an unusual but useful tip. Rub jam and soap on your face to feign illness and thus get sent home, where you'll be able to spend some quality time with your 3G iPhone -- mission accomplished.

The first time we saw this we thought the guide's authors were having a laugh, but after some quick translating we realised it contained some rather sober advice. If you're at a party and some pesky kids sully your beautifully clean 3G iPhone, don't just scream and shout, pick the child up and use its hair to wipe your iPhone clean. Admittedly, this is an unorthodox method of cleaning, but as the guide points out, it will 'teach child life lesson'.

It's inevitable that with great power comes great responsibility and of course owning a 3G iPhone is a powerful thing, right? But what happens if you drop it on the floor, how do you deal with the responsibility to those around you of maintaining your image as a genetically superior alpha dude? The guide's suggestion is that you have to fake it to make it. Just cut out a screenshot of a 3G iPhone and whack it on top of the cracked screen. It's a little Blue Peter, but it'll save you the humiliation of explaining how you let your 3G iPhone get cracked.