Hello, there Mr. Subaru! So nice to see you here at Thunderhill Raceway!

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Photo by: Emme Hall/Roadshow
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MSRP: $34,695

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We are so delighted you brought your wing to the party. Its downforce should add 3 miles an hour to your top speed.

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We're glad for the quad tailpipes, but remember Mr. Subaru, the party ends at midnight, so try to keep the noise down after the witching hour.

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We know the gold BBS wheels aren't available anymore, Mr. Subaru. Pity. This is, after all, a formal party here at Thunderhill Raceway.

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Photo by: Emme Hall/Roadshow
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Please, Mr. Subaru, join our VIP club. It's reserved for cars with 305 horsepower and 295 pound/feet of torque. Very exclusive.

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Photo by: Emme Hall/Roadshow
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While your sedan styling cuts a nice jib, we were hoping you would arrive at the party in hatchback form, Mr. Subaru.

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Photo by: Emme Hall/Roadshow
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Regardless, you should fit in nicely at the festivities at Thunderhill Raceway. Please make your way down pit lane and on to the track.

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Ah, we see you have brought three pedals and a mechanical hand brake to the party. Most excellent, Sir Subaru. Most excellent, indeed.

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A six-way adjustable center differential? Why, Mr. Subaru you do come prepared to carouse, don't you?

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We are, of course, delighted that the six-speed manual transmission is the only one offered. It should make the fete here at Thunderhill Raceway that much more thrilling.

(Editor's note: We apologize for these captions. Please click through to enjoy more photos of the 2016 Subaru WRX STI, blessedly free from commentary from an imaginary butler at a fancy party.)

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Photo by: Subaru
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MSRP: $34,695

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Photo by: Emme Hall/Roadshow
Editors' Rating

MSRP: $34,695

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Photo by: Emme Hall/Roadshow
Editors' Rating

MSRP: $34,695

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Photo by: Emme Hall/Roadshow
Editors' Rating

MSRP: $34,695

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Photo by: Emme Hall/Roadshow
Editors' Rating

MSRP: $34,695

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Photo by: Subaru
Editors' Rating

MSRP: $34,695

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Photo by: Subaru
Editors' Rating

MSRP: $34,695

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