TAG Heuer Meridiist: Almost an anagram for 'it is merde'

We sympathise with the Google execs, who are only getting paid $1 this year. With only $10.1bn in the bank, what inexpensive little trinket could soothe the disappointed supernerds?

How about the Meridiist, the new luxury mobile phone from watch-maker TAG Heuer? The company spells its name all in caps, presumably to remind us to scream it at our underlings when they ask us what phone we would like to carry today. MERIDIIST, worm!

Features aren't really the point, but TAG Heuer says the handset will have a 2-megapixel camera with sliding lens cover, 2GB of memory, a music player, a secondary OLED screen, and a battery with 7 hours talk time or 28 days standby time.

The phone will be mostly stainless steel, but options for the back plate include calfskin leather, rubber and alligator skin, perfect for waving in the faces of lesser mortals as you pass them on the way to the first-class cabin.

TAG Heuer says we'll have to fork over €3,400 to €4,500 (£3,160 to £4,180) depending on the model, and promises that 'diamond-finished' models with prices starting at €8,500 (£7,890) are on the horizon.

Like its luxury competitor the Ulysse Nardin Chairman, the phone will be shown at the Baselworld 2009 watch show, which is held in a bubble universe where the recession isn't happening and people are still drinking pearls dissolved in wine.

TAG Heuer says that the Meridiist will sport a couple of special features: the 'Time Unit' and the 'multi-function TAG Heuer switch' that will meet 'the needs of the executive in important meetings'. So that's a clock and an off button.

Sometimes it's nice just to hold it and think about how rich we are.

Just in case we didn't get the point, TAG Heuer reminds us that the Meridiist is a phallic symbol.