What does Google Suggest suggest about the state of humanity?

Why would a little girl in Yorkshire think Jesus was born in an egg?

It's a question we must all ask ourselves. And apparently it's a popular question on Google. The search engine offers a feature called Google Suggest, which, as you begin to type in a search query, offers popular searches that begin with what you've typed.

It highlights some worrying concerns that humanity struggles to deal with. For example, We typed 'why would a...', to which Google suggested the above query. Fear gripped our hearts -- fear for the future of the species.

To highlight the many disturbing questions Google frequently pulls up answers to, we've picked our favourite Google suggestions. Because we're awesome, we've provided no-nonsense answers for the benefit of the hard-of-thinking who look for them.

We typed: 'Can you put...'
Google suggests: '...peroxide in your ear?'

Answer: Theoretically, yes. But if you feel you want to, consider other orifices too, such as the nostril, the tear duct and the humble anus.

We typed: 'Am I going...'
Google suggests: '...into labour?'

Answer: There's an easy and reliable way to test. Is there a brand-new human poking out of your lower body? If yes, then congratulations, you're going into labour. More accurately, you're already in it.

We typed: 'Am I having...'
Google suggests: '...a heart attack?'

Answer: There's no point asking Google this. Web sites aren't doctors. You know what are doctors? Doctors. If your chest is hurting and your left arm hurts too, call a blinkin' ambulance for heaven's sake.

We typed: 'Why can't...'
Google suggests: '...black people swim?'

Answer: There is no answer to this question. It's demented to even ask it.

We typed: 'Why can't...'
Google suggests: '...I own a Canadian?'

Answer: Because, despite popular myth, Canadians are not objects. We have one in the office, and can confirm this for anyone left wondering.

We typed: 'Why would a...'
Google suggests: '...pregnancy test be negative?'

Answer: Because you're not pregnant. And if you even need to ask, we hope for the sake of our future you never are.

We typed: 'Why would a...'
Google suggests: '...married man cheat?'

Answer: Maybe you're excruciatingly dull. Consider becoming less dull.

We typed: 'Can you drink...'
Google suggests: '...your own urine?'

Answer: Are you the same person who wanted to put peroxide in your ear? What the hell's the matter with you? Yes, you can drink small amounts of your own urine, if you're that thirsty from the peroxide fumes.

We typed: 'Can two women...'
Google suggests: '...make a baby?'

Answer: Out of clay, yes. Out of blood and organs, no.

We typed: 'Is...'
Google suggests: '...Michael Jackson dead?'

Answer: Yes.

Google then suggests: '...Michael Jackson really dead?'

Answer: Still yes. Sorry.

Google then suggests: '...Lady Gaga a hermaphrodite?'

Answer: You're a moron. Go away.

Sometimes you really need to see the full spectrum of suggestions given for certain queries. They often highlight the train of thought of the confused idiot, and it's quite easy to build a character profile. For example:

We typed: 'Why don't girls...'
Google suggests:

1: '...like me?'
2: '...like fat guys?'
3: '...like short guys?'
4: '...talk to me?'
5: '...call back?'
6: '...fart?'

Explanation: There are many short, fat guys disappointed that girls don't seem to like them, and won't return the calls their restraining order prohibits them from making. Maybe it's because they continue to ask if the girl in question can fart. This is definitely a third-date question, not a first.

We typed: 'How long does...'
Google suggests:

1: '...weed stay in your system?'
2: '...alcohol stay in your system?'
3: '...nicotine stay in your system?'
4: '...it take to get pregnant?'
5: '...it take to boil an egg?'

Explanation: Someone got drunk, high, and far too horny. Now he's worried he's going to get caught, but wants breakfast to help clear his head. Seems reasonable, actually.