You might say I'm spoiler-averse.
INT. DARK MOVIE THEATER
The trailer for "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" plays on the screen. BROIDA, man, is seated, fingers crammed into his ears.
BACK TO PRESENT.
Yeah, I'm that guy. Because trailers ruin movies. Social media: ruins movies. Friends: same. (The previous flashback? Truth. I've performed that very ritual when confronted by spoiler-spouting acquaintances. Which might explain why I don't get invited out more...)
Which brings us to "Captain America: Civil War," arguably the most anticipated movie since the aforementioned "Star Wars." Early reviews are extremely strong (don't worry, that's a spoiler-free one), which is awesome, but all the more reason I want to walk into that theater knowing nothing.
If you feel the same, I salute you. I admire your restraint and your commitment. And I'm here to help you. If you live outside the US, why aren't you seeing the movie right now?!? Go now, because that is the surest way to avoid spoilers.
For those of us in the US, thought, there's just over a week to go until the May 6 opening. Here's how to steer clear of the relentless barrage of "Captain America" spoilers till then.
Tame social media
Facebook, Reddit, Twitter -- they're all out to get you. They might as well be called Spoilerbook, Spoilerit and Spoilter. (Dibs! I call them all.)
The obvious solution is to stay away from all social media until you've seen the movie. That's also an extremely difficult solution.
If you're a Chrome user, install Spoiler Alert, an extension designed to filter out spoilers anywhere and everywhere you venture on the Web. Once installed, just head to the Movies section and select Captain America.
Be warned, though: There can be a slight lag before Spoiler Alert closes the blinds, so to speak. When a page first loads, you might glimpse something before the filter kicks in. So whenever you head to Facebook, Twitter or whatever, keep your eyes closed for a few seconds. (What? This takes diligence, people!)
Firefox users can try something like ProCon Latte, a content filter that blocks anything containing any keywords you specify.
Tools like those are effective options on the desktop side, but what about mobile? Sorry, you're out of luck there. Neither Facebook nor Twitter apps offers any kind of content or keyword filtering. Your only option? Steer clear of both apps. (Speaking from experience, good luck with that.)
Avoid broadcast television
Because commercials, duh.
If you have a DVR, record everything you want to watch (sorry, live-sports fans), then skip past the commercials. Alternately, Hulu's no commercials subscription plan will keep "Civil War" ads away from your "Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D" binges.
Embrace your inner hermit
If you're as rabidly spoiler-averse as I am, your friends might start messing with you and drop little spoiler-bombs -- some fake, some real, who knows?
Your best bet is to spend the next week with the person who matters most. Stay away from anything with a screen and anyone with a mouth. Might I suggest long sessions at the library (or your nearest monastery), curled up with a good book?