Hey there, Comcast. You know I always appreciate your reading this column and I think you're going to really love this week's version.
What's that? You want to stop reading this column?
Well, before you do that, in light of the one of your customer service representative's over-the-top, I was hoping you wouldn't mind answering a few questions. I mean, it's my job to know why you don't want to continue reading it. That's how I can improve as a columnist. I just want to ensure that you have the best column-reading experience. If it's CNET columns in general that you have an issue with, you can stop reading one of the other columns here. I mean, you're going to probably come across them at some point on the Web anyway.
Did you know that this is the No. 1 column written by me at CNET? No. 1. Why would you want to give up the No. 1 column by me? You're not going to find another column written by me here. It just doesn't make sense. I mean, you've been reading my columns for years, even before you purchased NBC Universal. What's changed? Please help me understand why you'd like to stop.
OK, could you please tell me what you're planning to read instead of this column? Because whichever column it is, it's just not going to provide the same experience. Did you know you can read this column as soon as it's published or at any time in the future on demand? You're just not going to get that with other media you might be using. Snapchat? Those pictures just disappear.
Listen, I can make it a lot shorter if you want. I could shave 100 words off the column easy -- 100 words right now.
OK, Comcast. You can stop. As I said, it just pains me to know that you're going to be giving up on the excellent writing, exceptional insights, and occasional poorly veiled parody that this column represents. Really, I'm in physical pain right now. Can you feel it?
All right, the column is just about over now. Unfortunately, I can't provide you with a confirmation code, but you should receive confirmation that the column is over in the next few words.
Have a wonderful day.