Protect yourself against the insidious Wi-Fi threat!

Apparently Wi-Fi will eat your brains, mobile phones cause cancer, and microwaves will make you anaemic -- here's how to avoid the deadly electromagnetic radiation

'Scientists', particularly those at the Safe Wireless Initiative, are always warning us of the dangers of electromagnetic radiation. Wi-Fi will eat your brains, mobile phones cause cancer, and microwaves will make you anaemic. Hell, the latest 'studies' even suggest that detoxing from all wireless can improve symptoms in autistic children.

As a result, I feel a sense of guilt peddling high technology without highlighting the potential dangers. So I've put together a list of suggestions to ensure you don't fall victim to the dangers of electromagnetic radiation (EMR). Yes, they'll make you look like a looney, but at least you won't 'catch' cancer, and they'll protect your precious children, who must never be exposed to any risk whatsoever.

1. Minimise your EMR exposure
To avoid EMR, you'll need to get rid of your microwave, wireless routers, radios and your lightbulbs. Even sunlight is a source of EMR, so you might want to grow a protective layer of body hair (ladies, that includes you), lube up with factor 22 sun cream and move to Scotland, where it's dark all year round. The Safe Wireless Initiative says if you really must venture out into the sunshine -- y'know, for food or something -- you should carry an umbrella.

2. Get rid of your TV remote
If you really must watch TV, for God's sake don't use the remote. Those infrared merchants of death operate at frequencies as high as 10 to the power of 14 -- way higher than microwaves. Just switching over to Emmerdale is the equivalent of wielding an invisible lightsaber with a giant malignant tumour for a handle. Do yourself a favour -- get up and change the channel manually.

3. Keep your mobile phone in your socks
You don't want a mobile phone anywhere near your brain for obvious reasons, but you also don't want one near your lower body. According to the SWI, the hip produces 80 per cent of the body's red blood cells and is especially vulnerable to EMR damage. Keeping those mobile tings in your socks is the key to a healthy lifestyle. And testicles that don't fall off.

4. Wear radiation-proof pants
Even if you keep your mobile phone in your socks, there's no guarantee others will do the same. To prevent harmful radiation spewing from those around you, you should probably wear radiation-proof clothing. The kind folks at Levi Strauss have developed the Icon S-Fit trousers, which have anti-radiation-lined pockets, but this probably isn't enough. To be really sure, you should check out the Slipways anti-EMR undies from Isabodywear. They're not out yet, but when they do hit the market, £14 is a small price to pay for protecting your future children.

5. Increase the body's resistance to EMR
The SWI recommends avoiding loud music or loud noises. Apparently you should dedicate some time to chill in complete silence or listen to mellow music. The SWI also says you should stop taking hot baths, avoid tap water, and never ever drink hard liquor. Especially not out of a Styrofoam cup.

So there you go -- a few tips to keep you safe. For the record, I will not be doing any of the above. I'd rather run around naked in 40-degree sun with a laptop on my head and a mobile phone strapped to each testicle than give up loud music and booze. If loving Wi-Fi is wrong, I don't wanna be right. -Rory Reid