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Loch Ness Monster found on Apple Maps (but of course)

The Official Loch Ness Monster Fan Club is positively giddy about an alleged 100-foot-long creature that is only visible on Apple Maps. Will Google immediately send its satellites to investigate?

Oh, yes. That's a monster.
Apple Maps

I know that Apple's advertising has been a touch inconsistent over the last few years.

It's clear the company's executives have been worried that Samsung has stolen the mantle of cool from the Cupertino Cave.

But surely Apple can have nothing to do with the revelation that the Loch Ness Monster has suddenly become visible on Apple Maps. And only on Apple Maps.

It's a charming thought. But so is marrying a princess or being seduced by Robert Downey Jr.

Still, the Daily Mail is pulsing with excitement at the idea that Nessie is floating around the Apple firmament, desperate to finally be found -- given that she must be at least 90 years old by now.

To experts with excited eyes, this allegedly 100-foot-long creature can be seen from space. They say that they can even see its giant flippers.

Who might these experts be? Why, the members of the Official Loch Ness Monster Fan Club.

They claim that they have studied the image for six months. With severe scientific rigor, they have eliminated all other possibilities -- such as a boat wake, a floating log, or the world's biggest seal.

Yes, it might be a secret submarine. But if it's a secret submarine, then no one knows whether it's a submarine.

Still, why imagine that there's a secret submarine in this serene part of the Loch, just south of Dores, Scotland? Why not dream that, with the help of Apple's maps, the Loch Ness Monster has been found.

Not everyone is convinced. Some, like deep-sea biologist Andrew David Thaler, are positively scornful.

I, too, find myself monstrously skeptical that such a creature exists.

This skepticism grows when I read that The Nessie Fan Club president, Gary Campbell, told the Mail: "Last year was the first time in almost 90 years that Nessie wasn't seen at all. After Nessie 'going missing' for 18 months, it's great to see her back."

In marketing quarters, they call that a relaunch.

Then I read quotes such as this from 26-year-old Andrew Dixon, who wandered to Apple's satellite images and thought he'd take a quick look at Loch Ness.

When he saw the interesting pattern in the water, what was his first thought? Why, it was: "'That's the Loch Ness Monster.' It was the shape of it, I thought it had to be something more than a shadow."

Without a shadow of a doubt.