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ID tags help comatose drinkers make it home

'Tis the season to drink yourself into a stupor and fall into a gutter, wander down the streets in a slurring mess and forget your name and address. Allow this cheap, nifty gadget to come to the rescue...

Drunken 'ladettes' (girls who have adopted the drinking habits of Russian sailors) no longer need to keep their blood-alcohol levels below that vital threshold where they forget their name and address. A company called IdentifyMe is now offering ID tags for the comatose drinker that include information including the drinker's name and address.

Bus or taxi drivers need merely check the errant drinker's wrist for vital address information and despatch them on their way, rather like a mail-sorting office delivering parcels. These inert, barely respiring flesh packets can then careen about London's transport system before being deposited at their destination, where they can sleep off the overwhelming liver toxicity.

The ID Tags are not subcutaneous, but resemble wristbands. Some of the designs look like traditional jewellery, the most expensive costing £65. Previously the company specialised only in tags for children, in case they became separated from their parents, but it was only a matter of time before someone noticed that severely drunk adults are psychologically identical to toddlers -- both parties walk in a wobbly, uncertain manner, spill food on themselves and vomit indiscriminately.

IndentifyMe says that the adult wristbands were designed because of demand from women who find themselves unable to recall their name, or where they live, after a night of drinking. Alcohol concern groups are, naturally, concerned, and seem to hold the outlandish belief that people shouldn't get drunk to the point where most of their brain has been poisoned into shutting down.

Critics may well worry that the address information on these wristbands could fall into the wrong hands. If a mugger was to attack one of these incapacitated beings, they may search though the body's pockets and use the address information and vital measurements on the wristbands to answer bank security questions and swindle money from the body's accounts before it wakes up.

The IdentifyMe wristbands are available here. Alternatively, don't drink medically fatal quantities of alcohol.