The Toshiba Qosmio X770 is aimed squarely at the gamer in you, with an angry design sure to send hordes of schoolboys dizzy with sugar-fuelled excitement.
It's packing a quad-core Intel Core i7 processor and 8GB of RAM, as well as an Nvidia GeForce GTX 560M graphics card to really power through the polygons.
It's available now from most retailers for around £1,500, although at the time of writing you can find it on Amazon for £1,400.
Design, portability and battery life
If you're after a super-light little laptop to slide into a case and take on your travels, the X770 isn't going to be high on your wish-list. Make no mistake about it; this thing is enormous. With a width of 413mm and a depth of 274mm, it's big enough to dominate most of your desk and will undoubtedly need to be carried in a suitcase, rather than a bag.
The X770's weight -- 3.4kg -- means that you'll probably need to get a burly friend to help you carry it too, unless you've recently been on a strict regime of back exercises and bull hormones. At 28mm, it's not the thickest laptop we've ever set eyes on, but it hardly qualifies as slim. Even worse, the battery bulges out at the back like a punch-related swelling.
That bulge means it'll be difficult to find a smart case or neoprene sleeve to slide it into for some gaming on the go. That's probably not much of an issue though, as this thing really isn't designed for portability -- much better to leave it chained to your desk than risk a hernia.
If you do decide to hunker down on the bus and frag some 'n00bs', know this: the battery is terrible. We ran our battery benchmark test and it only managed to last 25 minutes before giving up the ghost, which is one of the worst battery performances we've ever seen from a laptop.
It is a very brutal test, however, so you can expect a better time with cautious usage. Even under perfect conditions Toshiba reckons it will give a maximum of 2 hours 30 minutes -- and bear in mind that 'maximum' involves the computer doing very little.
When it's safely plugged into the mains, the X770 is certainly an imposing beast. It's coated in plastic that's been given a rough, lined texture. A dark, steel-grey colour dominates most of the machine, but the back end blends into a shiny red colour, giving the laptop the appearance of a slab of steel that's been partially heated to red-hot temperatures.
Whether you like that sort of look or not is a matter of taste -- it's the kind of style that would make any teenage shooter fan dribble with excitement.
The plastic feels thick and didn't give much in the way of flex, but we worry it's rather brittle -- we certainly wouldn't want to drop it as we don't think it could take it, which is worth bearing in mind considering its not inconsiderate weight means it's practically begging to be dropped.
Under the lid is more of that dark grey plastic trying its best to look macho and menacing. The keyboard uses square, black isolated keys that are well spaced and are just firm enough to not feel flimsy and plasticky. The whole keyboard is backlit with a deep red glow that looks like a furnace is burning inside, although sadly the light doesn't illuminate the characters through each key for easier night-time typing so it's mostly there for dramatic effect.
The trackpad is fairly large and has a rough texture to it that makes sliding your finger over it particularly easy. It's responsive too, and supports multi-touch gestures for two finger scrolling and pinch to zoom. The buttons beneath it are particularly big and are very easy to press -- handy if you're doing some furious clicking around web pages. You'll still want to stick in a USB mouse if you're booting up games.
Above the keyboard are two angry-looking grilles, behind which lie two speakers provided by audio specialists Harman/Kardon. They pump out a decent racket by laptop speaker standards, with a punchy bass and clear highs, but if you want a really immersive gaming or movie experience, you're going to need to hook up a proper set of speakers or get yourself some awesome headphones to hear those head-shots in beautiful, brain-rending definition.
Around the sides of the X770 you'll find a VGA out port, an HDMI port, an Ethernet port, one USB 3.0 port (only one? That's a bit stingy, Toshiba), three USB 2.0 ports, an SD card reader and headphone out/mic in jacks. You also get a Blu-ray drive to enjoy your favourite flicks in glorious high definition.
3D screen tested
If the idea of watching films in only two boring dimensions makes you sick to the point of needing medical assistance, we have great news for you -- the X770 uses Nvidia 3D vision to bring out that mystical third dimension for your films.
Unlike the, which allows you to watch 3D content with your eyes free of an ugly tangle of plastic, the X770 will force you to don a pair of daft 3D glasses.