Solar eclipse: Desperate brands leap on the sunny side

Technically Incorrect offers a slightly twisted take on the tech that's taken over our lives.

You've probably been wearing your solar eclipse glasses around the house for days already.

You need to make sure they fit perfectly so that you can enjoy, what, a couple of minutes of oohing, aahing and "I flew to Idaho just to see it-ing."

The moneymaking corporations of America, though, are desperate for you to think that they contributed to your eclipse-viewing pleasure.

I've already written about banana brand Chiquita, which released a slightly absurd effort at suggesting that you should really watch the banana eclipse. (It's shortly before and after the solar one.)

Naturally, Chiquita wasn't alone. Many are trying to associate the eclipse with their own products.

Denny's, for example, insists that it's serving "mooncakes." They are, in fact, the same pancakes you can buy any other day of the week. But, says the ad, "Regular pancakes look a lot like the moon."

Krispy Kreme couldn't help itself either. 

But what can you do with a doughnut? Can you find some way to eclipse it? In Krispy Kreme's case, the solution was staring it in the face. Welcome, then, to the chocolate-glazed Krispy Kreme. Complete with spacey music. 

And then there was Hostess Snacks, which summarily declared its Golden CupCakes the official snack cake of the eclipse. Because, oh, does there have to be a because?

Mitsubishi actually has a car called the Eclipse Cross. Which is odd for a brand that, at least in my mind, has been eclipsed for a while.

Still, its shtick on Monday is to be the exclusive sponsor of ABC's "Great American Eclipse" special. During this event, Mitsubishi's photographers -- oh, you've already guessed, haven't you -- will be trying to capture a picture of the eclipse and the car together in Salem, Oregon.

It's what you might call a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Or, well, an extended ad.

Retailers such as McDonald's (in Oregon), Best Buy and Kroger have become purveyors of official solar glasses approved by NASA and the American Astronomical Society.

DoorDash is giving away free half-moon cookies between 2 p.m. and 4 p.m. on Monday. Which seems a little late.

Blessed coolster Nike has a web page encouraging you to wear black on the big day.

Talking of blessed, even churches are joining in the branding exercises.

There's the Sinking Fork Baptist Church in Hopkinsville, Kentucky, for example. Its brand message? "Without God, your darkness will exceed 2 minutes and 40 sec."

I was getting a little tired of the strained associations to which some brands were stooping when I came across Southern Pressed Juicery, a cheerily organic place in Greenville, South Carolina. 

It's offering Black Sun Lemonade. This concoction of ginger, cayenne, lemon, lime and maple syrup also includes charcoal. 

When you pick it up, it's yellow. Shake it and it turns black. 

Doesn't that have a gloriously simple, scientific appeal? 

I hope they make a lot of money out of it.

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