Warning: This post contains descriptions unsuitable for young readers.
Let's begin by picturing a Venn diagram. On one side, you've got people who enjoy recording video of themselves having. On the other, you've got people who wear silicone rings around their penis to help maintain an erection.
Folks in the middle of that Venn diagram might be especially interested in the "Cock Cam" from UK company Julz.
"Capture your climax," reads the company's website as it welcomes you to "the world's first cock ring with a camera," available now for $160.
"Yes," the copy adds, "it's exactly what it sounds like!"
Points for truth in advertising, I suppose. The site even lets you watch an NSFW sample video recorded by a base jumper wearing a prosthetic, strap-on appendage over the top of his jumpsuit as he parachutes down a mountain (you know, like so many of us do). The first-person view is admittedly quite scenic, though the effect is somewhat spoiled by the large rubber dildo flopping wildly in the foreground.
Weighing in at less than an ounce, the camera in Julz's "stretchy yet tight" wearable ring records up to 90 minutes of 1080p, H.264 video in MP4 format. It features night vision, too, as well as a rechargeable lithium battery.
"When filming for long periods of time the camera runs warm," Julz cautions. "The product is safe to use. If the Cock Cam becomes uncomfortable please stop using and contact our team."
Along with heat buildup, there's Wi-Fi to worry about in this thing too, complete with a companion app that lets users view their videos or share them with a partner. If you think that sounds ill-advised in today's connected age, you aren't alone -- and neither is the Cock Cam.
Alongside names like Lovense and OhMiBod, the Cock Cam is one of a growing field of internet-connected sex toys, and perhaps the most concerning one yet given that we aren't just talking about remote controls or usage statistics, but video. You know, complete with foreground floppage.
To that end, Julz says your videos are never transmitted to the cloud, but are instead stored locally on your phone. In other words, hackers wouldn't be able to access your footage by breaching a central server at Julz HQ. They'd need access to your phone itself.
Still, we've seen other internet-connected sex toys come up well short of their privacy obligations -- most notably We-Vibe, which settled a $3.75 million class action lawsuit in 2017 after uploading user statistics to the cloud without consent.
"We are very aware that the privacy of our customers is paramount," Julz director and co-founder Charlie Hudson told me via email. "We are taking all necessary precautions to keep our product as safe and secure as possible."
Hudson adds that the company is currently working to update the app to allow for FaceTime-style live streaming, "with complete confidence that the user's data and privacy is safe."
Just what the internet needs. More dicks.