The Woz speaks: 'Teletubbies aired for 5 years'

Unless you have been unjustly thrown into a Turkish jail for the last 48 hours, you'll know that Steve Wozniak felt a little disheartened after the judges placed him last and compared him to a "Teletubby going mad in a gay pride parade" in the first round of this season's "Dancing with the Stars."

All is not lost. In fact, nothing is lost at all. If anything, he has gained the sympathy of millions. I say "millions" because Monday's show was its highest-rated season debut yet. And this show has been going on, it seems, for a lot longer than Twitter.

While it's true that all of the winners of "Dancing with the Stars" have actually turned out to be, well, coordinated (think footballer Emmitt Smith, speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno and, um, well, Nick Lachey's boy-band brother), it's also true that a touch of personality can paper over the cracks in your performance and, well, your eyebrows, your nose, your cheekbones, and your lips. (Yes, the redoubtable Lisa Rinna did very well on the show.)

The Woz will come to next week's show with a reduced derriere, as he will be working much of it off trying to impress. For all his well-polished bonhomie, a quick look at his Web site reveals that he really wants to prove something. And he's feeling a little testy.

Before his performance, he wrote: "I'd like to demonstrate, by viewers and voters, that people in the entertainment businesses (including professional sports) are not the only people in this world that count."

Priests count, Steve. So do people who work at the Treasury.

In a new post, written after the performance, the Woz goes on the slightly defensive offensive: "Tonight the judges were not in tune with what the public likes. The live audience applauded a judge's comment that what my partner and I did was what the show was about."

He continued: "The press people that we talked with for an hour or so afterwards all told me that they cheered our dance, from their quarters. The dancers gave total support and indicated that we did great after our post-interview, and they did so for none of the other dances."

The press people? You can't trust them, Steve.

Still, the Woz is very clear that he was going for dancing broke, in a comedic sense: "At the start I have a pink boa (the 'softer' Woz) and I blow a kiss rather effeminately towards the audience. I keep my smile and eyes on the audience throughout."

There was more that the judges might have missed: "Early on I sway my hips out as I rotate, for comedy. At 3 points we swing our hips while ducking down together, again for comedy."

And then there was the cat's paw move: "I make one turn with a cat's paw move and, unknown to you, I yelled 'meow' in my loudest voice. It couldn't carry over the orchestra but at least Karina (his professional partner, Karina Smirnoff) heard it and maybe the nearby judges. Nobody knows that I had planned to shake my butt towards the judges at that turn but didn't do it."

He forgot the butt move? Nobody should ever forget the power of the booty. Just when you suspect this is one of those monologues that you see in the theater, performed by a star who coulda, shoulda been a contender, he addresses his Teletubbiness with a tink and a wink: "All I heard was some teletubby comment, which might be valid."

Over a picture of himself in his dressing room (with two strategically placed high heels next to him on the table--will he wear them? will he?), the Woz declares: "I think it should be noted that Teletubbies aired for 5 years, had 365 episodes and a number 1 music single!"

So there, you cruel, heartless, judgmental beasts.

As I have mentioned previously, Mark Cuban has worked out that the Woz only needs 6 percent more of the viewers' votes than any other contestant to win.

And the Woz's own view of last night's performance suggests he wants every geek in the world to call or go online in support of the nerd with the pink feather boa: "I truly expect, from things I'm seeing and hearing, that I may even wind up winning last night's contest once the online voting ends."

I don't know what he's seeing and hearing, or even eating and drinking, but I can only hope he gives us more and better next week. I believe the Woz may turn out to be the biggest tinking, winking talking-point of next week's swirling and twirling. You can't miss this now, can you?