If thewas light on the kind of eye-bulging chaos heralded in the trailer, episode 2 promises to do somewhat better. Remember the beaver from said trailer who described his priorities in a partner as " "? This is his moment. His name is James, and he's a lab technician from Los Angeles, which sounds surprisingly respectable. Narrator Rob Delaney tells the viewer that for James, size gets in the way of finding love. Perhaps James has some kind of body positive message for the good people? Think again. This is the first of many ways he'll brag about and otherwise draw attention to his muscles. Because they are big. And he wants you to notice them.
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First in line to meet James, may the saints be with her, is Amber, who's from North Carolina and is in the military. Her character is a pixie, but really she looks like the product of the forbidden love between a Smurf and a Treasure Troll. Amber is looking for pizzazz.
Next is Alexis, a law student and singer from New York City. She's a leopard who says the New York dating scene just hasn't been working for her.
Third is Tamiko from San Francisco. She's an expert in drone tech and must have done something to piss off the makeup artists. Her zombie getup is horrifying. Blue skin, Gollum-esque wisps of hair, a fake mandible sticking out of her cheek. Sure, the makeup is supposed to be an equalizer for everyone, but there's no way someone dressed as a cute woodland creature doesn't have an advantage over someone who looks like day four of acute radiation poisoning. To her credit, she says she's looking for a "bad boy Barack Obama" type. Aren't we all.
As the speed dates start, James starts sizing up all three women's rear ends. Alexis sings. Amber feels up James' bicep, Tamiko tells him he shouldn't put his foot on the table, and James tells the camera he's never had a formal date with a woman before. This is left unexamined the rest of the episode, despite the many, many questions running through my brain.
James then tells Amber that his dad has "a little bit of Spanish going on" and utters a sentence so entirely mangled, that I don't understand how the Royal Spanish Academy didn't spontaneously combust in the distance.
A note to my editor, Mark: Buddy, I'm going to need some hazard pay for this.
Back at the Manor, James jettisons Tamiko to tend to her decaying wounds, I guess.
For the next round, James and Amber take an ice sculpting class, where they ignore the instructor, and James pauses for about a hundred years when Amber asks what he'd do if she gained 300 pounds.
James and Alexis go skeet shooting. He's weirdly competitive. Then comes an exchange so stirring, Clark Gable only wishes he'd been given such lines.
"How do you feel about a beaver kiss?"
"We can make it work."
Consent? Sure. Enthusiastic? Technically? Folks, let me tell you, I'm not sure what he did with his teeth in that moment.
Must've been some kiss, though. James picks Alexis, to Amber's shock. On meeting his runner-up, he waxes poetic: "That ass, man, that ass. I let it go."
When Alexis and James meet without their masks, there's a moment where he takes off his jacket -- you think he's going to offer it to the bare-shouldered girl standing in front of him. But no. In a final oh-so-James move, he does it so she can squeeze his bicep.
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