Silicon Valley: Start-Ups episode 2 -- babies, incest, babies

The second outing of the Silicon Valley reality show on Bravo featured pain, more pain and even more pain. Oh, and 26-year-old worries about biological clocks.

Chris Matyszczyk
4 min read
Sarah Austin. Will she have model children? Celebrified/YouTube Screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET

Episode Two of Bravo TV's "Start-ups: Silicon Valley" began with Hermione (blonde) and Ben (short), the pretty British brother and sister dismissed last week by Dave McClure, uttering a primal scream.

This is apparently something of which Steve Jobs was very fond.

It also began with David (gay) and Sarah (fake blonde) working out with a private trainer.

Being a gorgeous entrepreneur is very hard. Staying a gorgeous entrepreneur is even harder.

And then Kim (brunette, frightfully self-confident), employee of Ampush Media, which sells fascinating online ads -- or online ads in a fascinating way -- wonders whether she should, no, create her own start-up.

This show was watched by 634,000 people last week, 400,000 in the lucrative and self-absorbed 18-49 age range.

Talking of self-absorbed, Sarah worries that she is running out of time if she wants to find love and a family. She's 26, you see.

She has agreed to go on a date with Jay. Yes, even though she's so busy. Jay is a model. But would he be a model dad?

Sarah is a lifecaster. She wonders whether she can take her dogs to a date.

I don't wish to lifecast aspersions, but Sarah is not a very good actress. At all points, it looks like she is about to burst out laughing.

You'd think all these wonderfully beautiful, tortured people would need a break. So they have a pool party, where they talk about, oh, the drama between Sarah and Hermione.

This is Jay on Bravo TV's site. Isn't he gorgeous? Screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET

Ben has hooked up with Sarah. Sarah and Hermione fell out. Ben is Hermione's brother. I hope none of them is armed.

Ben and Hermione were brought up separately. He, by his dad, Hermione, by her mom. Does someone ask whether they ever had the hots for each other? Oh, but of course. That's what you talk about at a pool party.

Then they jump in the pool. Does Facebook have a pool? I forget.

Kim explains the next day that the great thing about start-ups is how nimble they are. This she says as we see her ambling about her office, looking as if she can't decide whether to have tofu or seagrass for lunch.

Kim is struggling with the camera's presence too. There's an embarrassed grin that's pushing against her lips with every close-up.

One of her bosses wonders whether she has strategic skills. Kim gets upset. She fears that her bosses want to get a gray-haired bullcrapper in to deal with the big clients. Kim may cry.

Happy hour
What should she do? Why, enjoy happy hour with her co-worker friend Lauren. Lauren says she'd miss her if she leaves. It seems a good chance that she will, given that this show is called "Start-Ups: Silicon Valley."

Sarah brings her dog to a poolside meeting. This is a big meeting. It's the meeting where she may make up with Hermione. Hermione brings a peace offering. It's a sparkly black tiara.

I am not making any of this up. Please believe me. They had fallen out at SXSW over, um, egos or something.

But Sarah is still hurt. She is scared to treat Hermione as a friend. Hermione thinks Sarah has a warped idea of the truth. Will Sarah ever even wear the tiara?

Sarah believes that Hermione is jealous because she kissed Ben and Hermione didn't. Reminder: Hermione is Ben's sister.

Wait, will David decide he finds Jay rather attractive? Will he try to seduce him with his healthy app? Jay is a nerd-model, you see.

Meanwhile, Ben and Hermione, leaving aside the incesty undercurrent, have another pitch. Last week, VC Dave McClure dismissed them with a Caesarian wave.

This time, Jeff Clavier of SoftTech is their mark. He is French, although "Jeff" doesn't feel like a very French name.

The pitch
Ben and Hermione are trying to launch Ignite, an app that allows you to monitor your life-expectancy in real time. Yes, the one thing that their generation is most concerned about. Themselves.

They have a piece of hardware to go with their app. It's called the Ignite Pad. My ears may have frayed by this stage, but I could have sworn that they called it the iPad. Creativity rules in the Valley.

Talking of creativity, you might recognize this Ignite Pad. It's really a bathroom scale.

Clavier seems interested. But he needs to see the product.

(Dramatic pause.)

He turns them down.

Hermione understands that if they keep receiving rejections, word will get around. The Valley is just one big pool party, you see.

A model date
Now for the important stuff. David needs to know whether Jay fancies Sarah. He needs to know whether Jay's ever enjoyed, you know, male conjoinment. Or even a man with a vagina. "Because they exist," he informs.

Well, Jay is a model.

We end with the big pitch. Sarah and Jay go on a date. Where will he take her? Sadly, Jay -- who is a model -- hasn't organized anything. He leers at her a little. He hasn't dressed up at all.

So she tweets a picture of his dishevelment to her Twitter followers. Wouldn't you? Sarah explains how much she has mani-pedied and spray-tanned in preparation.

Jay takes her to see the fireworks. Thank goodness he has a beanie. It's cold.

"Jay's so hot, I forgave him right on the spot," says Sarah.

Indeed, she goes into the bathroom and lifecasts her progress. Jay, who is a model, suddenly receives notifications that this date is already "on the Internet."

Sarah feels chemistry. She might start a family with him, she believes.

I believe Jay may not be thinking the same way.