Therefore, we have decided to offer every iPhone customer who purchased an iPhone from either Apple or AT&T, and who is not receiving a rebate or any other consideration, a $100 store credit towards the purchase of any product at an Apple Retail Store or the Apple Online Store.
Even this probably won't satisfy some people (you know who you are!), but the Macalope at least is well pleased and considers the matter closed.
Now leave Steve alone so he can finish his lunch.