Microsoft says Cortana is a much better girlfriend than Apple's Siri

Technically Incorrect: In a new Lumia 635 ad, a man describes what it was like breaking up with Siri. She just wasn't good enough.

Chris Matyszczyk
2 min read

Technically Incorrect offers a slightly twisted take on the tech that's taken over our lives.

This is the face of a man in love. Microsoft/YouTube screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET

"I'm just blown away by how well she knows me."

This is, apparently, every man's dream for the perfect relationship. To be known is, it seems, to be loved. And Siri simply isn't a great lover.

These aren't my words. Siri can barely understand what I'm talking about. She could not more love me than my last 12 girlfriends. No, these words come from a new ad for Microsoft's Lumia 635.

A handsome young man explains that his new girlfriend, Cortana, makes sure he doesn't forget his wallet. She knows the best restaurants. At heart, she simply makes our lovestruck, check-shirted dude "feel like a better person."

Yes, if your girlfriend takes responsibility for all your administrative needs, you will feel like a better person too. Because you'll have more time and mental capacity to do what you do best: think about yourself.

Please fear not, though, Microsoft doesn't believe only men fall in love with Cortana. Women do too. And when they do, they just have to tell their parents.

I know this because a second ad begins with a young woman revealing this very fact.

"I'm not like everybody else, dad," the woman remembers saying. "I met someone who brings out the best in me."

There's the same thought again. A woman who administers your life makes you somehow a better human. Because you have more time to, well, ponder civilization, cure the sick and watch videos on your phone as you walk down the street.

"She makes sure I'm never lost, late, miss appointments," continues the woman in the ad. "All the important stuff."

Quite. All you need is someone to remember stuff that is so important you can never remember it. If you have an artificially intelligent girlfriend to do it for you, you will be a much better person.

"Honey, we know," dad said when his daughter confessed. "You were never an iPhone girl."

One has to conclude, therefore, that those who have iPhones and trust Siri just aren't worth having a relationship with. They are bad people.

That makes post-Valentine's dating easier, doesn't it?