Microsoft looks for love, but will there be a happy ending?

Technically Incorrect: CEO Satya Nadella now says Microsoft's aspiration is for Windows to be loved. Here's the underlying reality of Microsoft's relationship with the world. In, well, romantic terms.

Chris Matyszczyk
4 min read

Technically Incorrect offers a slightly twisted take on the tech that's taken over our lives.

Love is all you need, no? Nate Ralph/CNET

Redmond looked determined.

He stared into Consuma's eyes and kept staring. It was a big moment for him -- he was opening a new window into his soul. He began to speak:

"I know I've let you down.

I know that, for too long, it's been all about me and my needs.

I know that, at times, you've felt like I've made you do things you didn't want to do.

I knew you didn't necessarily like it, but I figured you'd just get used to it. Or, at least, that you'd let karma take its course."

Redmond knew that the relationship hadn't always been perfect. One of his great works, Windows 8, had become Windows Hate. It caused friction. His karma didn't make things calmer.

Still, he wasn't going to let Consuma go so easily. He had to make amends. He didn't bother to dress to the nines. Instead, he went for the double-digit flourish of Windows 10 .

There were still some admissions to be made, though. With what looked like a tear in his eye, he continued:

"And then sometimes I made big promises and didn't keep them. I didn't even make it up to you.

I was full of myself then, you see. I felt like I ruled the world and, if I'm totally honest, I didn't always think about you.

I had my own battles to fight -- Europe is a weird place to do business -- and I always found another mountain to climb.

You felt neglected, I know. You began to think I was dull."

Consuma began to poke at her nails. And her iPad.

"But I want you to know that I've changed.

I'm going to be different now. I'm going to think about you. Yes, I'm going to think different.

You see, I've never deserved your love before. Not really. At least that's what all the work I've done with my shrink, Dr. Nadella, has taught me."

Though Redmond didn't want to admit it, Dr. Nadella had said in his soothing voice only yesterday: "We want to move from people needing Windows, to choosing Windows, to loving Windows."

Love, that was a strange concept for Redmond. He'd been brought up to win, not to love. He now realized how short-sighted that had been.

"I've been far too happy being Mr. Big. In my head, that is.

Do you know when you start realizing that being Mr. Big isn't what it's cracked up to be? When you're Mr. Slightly Less Big.

At first, you can't believe it. You look for people to blame. You think that all around you are cheats, scoundrels and thieves who are out to get you. You feel -- I made this word up -- Scroogled.

You start shouting louder and louder. You tell people you're developing, but soon they see that you're not developing as much as you think.

You start buying really expensive things because you think that's going to make you Mr. Big again."

Perhaps no one had ever gone out and spent more money "="" to="" microsoft"="" shortcode="link" asset-type="article" uuid="41636f59-a59e-11e3-a24e-d4ae52e62bcc" slug="ballmer-buying-nokia-is-very-important-to-microsoft" link-text="in a single shopping spree in Helsinki" section="news" title="Ballmer: buying Nokia is " edition="us" data-key="link_bulk_key" api="{"id":"41636f59-a59e-11e3-a24e-d4ae52e62bcc","slug":"ballmer-buying-nokia-is-very-important-to-microsoft","contentType":null,"edition":"us","topic":{"slug":"gadgets"},"metaData":{"typeTitle":null,"hubTopicPathString":"Tech^Computing^Gadgets","reviewType":null},"section":"news"}"> . Redmond realized, though, even that hadn't bought him love. He went away. He lost a little weight. Now he explained:

"But you're looking around and realizing that there are sexier -- and younger, dammit -- rivals. They've got something you haven't and, for the life of you, you can't always work out what that is.

Did I mention that I've changed? Now I want us to have a different relationship. I want you to be at the center of it, not me. I want to understand what excites you, how you want to live, what you want to feel.

I want you to be at the heart of us. There's a 'u' in 'us,' you know.

I read in the New York Times recently that there are ways to make yourself fall in love with someone. It's about asking questions and staring into each other's eyes. Yes, like I'm doing right now. We've never really done that before, have we?

Look, I've brought you a gift. It's a pair of glasses.

No, don't laugh."

Redmond's eyes finally changed from supplicating to almost confident. He knew that if he could just get Consuma to look into his HoloLens , she'd realize it wasn't a hollow thing at all. It was a new tomorrow, a new and augmented reality, for them both. But he had to get her to see.

"They're really amazing glasses. They're not rose-tinted. They're the real thing. They're an otherworldly thing. They're the perfect balance between reality and our magical future. Take one look into them and you'll see that you're not just staring past the windows, waiting for me to make you happy.

You'll be excited by the sort of the relationship we've never had before, one where your feelings matter the most, one where you're excited all the time.

Look through those glasses and you'll believe we have a future. A big future. Yes, we'll be Mr. and Mrs. Big, if you like. What do you say?"

Redmond held out his hand. Consuma looked into his eyes and wondered what she should do.

Live from Microsoft's Windows 10 event (pictures)

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