How signs of the Zodiac may influence Valentine's Day gifts

In an alluringly batty piece of research, online shopping experts Ebates claims, for example, that tablets are more popular with those born under Fire signs. While smartphones are a Water sign of love.

Chris Matyszczyk
3 min read
Should you shop by sign? Educopedia Aulas Ingles/YouTube screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET

I want to alter your perspective on love and shopping.

Not terribly, actually. But I've had my own mind slightly twisted by an approach to Valentine's Day shopping that might bring you approval from the lover of your dreams.

It seems, you see, that people born at different times of year might experience different gushings of love, depending on what gifts they are offered on love's day of marketing.

Online cashback shopping site Ebates thought it would delve into signs of the Zodiac to see if they might offer signs of what lovers really desired from their desired ones.

Some people are obsessed with the Zodiac. They believe that every last trait and quirk can be explained by the date upon which you entered the world.

You might imagine that those born under a Fire sign (Aries, Leo and Sagittarius) would want a Kindle. Oddly enough, in this research the idea of a tablet came in first place among their Valentine desires -- a dead heat, in fact, with shoes.

There is no consistency among humanity, though. You might imagine that those born under Air signs (Libra, Aquarius and Gemini) would be desperate for a MacBook or an iPad.

I loathe depressing you, but the Airites among the 2,035 adults surveyed here were not so interested in gadgets as an expression of love. Their top three? Chocolate, clothes, and -- can this be possible? -- tools.

Show me a human being for whom tools express love and I'll show you a psychiatrist they should be seeing. Or, perchance, a dominatrix.

When it comes to Earth signs (Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo), a significant 9 percent of them would like a TV from their lover.

Honestly, who can these people be? What sort of human sits in their cubicle dreaming of a lover delivering a flat screen with a rose attached?

The favorite Valentine's gift of these Earthers was, in fact, flowers. Then came jewelry. Earthers are clearly conventional sorts, who, when they leave their comfort zone, dream of not of a 4K vacation, but a 4K TV.

I have left until last the Water signs (Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces). For these people, the electricity of love is expressed through electronics. Two of their top three choices were smartphones and Xbox/Playstation.

Their other choice -- which did happen to be their first choice -- was a gift card to their favorite store. Perhaps they don't trust their lovers to buy the right electronics, so must buy it themselves.

There are clearly some disturbing conclusions to be reached from this inventive and possibly lunatic research.

One is that men's first choice overall of Valentine's gift is a gift card to their favorite store. For women, this was the No. 2 choice overall.

We can conclude, therefore, that in our supposedly sharing world trust has disappeared. We don't believe that anyone else can know us and anticipate our needs.

Naturally, I blame Tinder for this.

The other conclusion one can draw is that if your lover is Mark Zuckerberg (Taurus), your safest bet is to get him a flat screen. CEOs can never have enough of those.

If you're passionately involved with Sheryl Sandberg (Virgo), you can lean into flowers. Your fallback is the 4K.

If your yearning is Tim Cook and you believe this research, you'll know that a gift card to his favorite store is the safest decision. He is, after all, a male Scorpio.

Should you have strong feelings that this astrology thing is nonsense, may I tell you what Astrology.com tells me about Scorpios?

They are "secretive, passionate, resolute, insensitive, steadfast, painstaking and stubborn."

Still think it's all nonsense?