Early vote tallies show that citizens of Odessa, Ukraine, just elected Darth Sidious, aka, to a seat on the city council. Apparently, you can elect fictional characters to very real public offices in Ukraine. How about Scrooge McDuck as minister of finance or that platypus from "Phineas and Ferb" as minister of internal affairs?
Anyway, the whole Candidate Sidious thing got us thinking about politics closer to home. What if the Sith leader decided to run for the highest office in the United States? What if he won enough votes to move out of his massive throne and into that big leather chair in the Oval Office?
Here, we imagine the future legacy of President Sheev Palpatine.
November 8, 2016 -- Independent candidate Palpatine becomes president-elect thanks to a crucial win from the Electoral College in Ohio and the fact that all other candidates have been mysteriously electrocuted at some point during the race.
President Palpatine promises in his victory speech "the dawn of a new age" that will require more than two terms to enact. He announces a "reasonable expansion" of the length of stay and term limits for the presidential office to "for life." The Supreme Court justices declare the expansion legal, citing the case of "Palpatine v. Not Wanting to Be Fried Like a Turkey Leg at a State Fair."
January 15, 2017 -- President Palpatine takes the oath of office and promises a new presidential home called the "Death House" that will "make the very foundation of our enemies quake in fear."
The Government Accountability Office (GAO) says construction will cost taxpayers an estimated $900 trillion. Vice President Darth Vader defends his president's plan by drafting a budget proposal that includes such measures as the removal of funding from ineffective government agency marketing campaigns, recurring payments for outdated military technology and air from the GAO members' tracheas.
August 2, 2017 -- Construction is complete on the Death House, a 2-million-story building that looms over Pennsylvania Avenue with tractor beams and a giant laser cannon. President Palpatine calls it "an indestructible force," but a New York Times report reveals a vulnerability in a thermal exhaust port located in the kitchen of the Quiznos on the 8,547th floor. Palpatine has the exhaust port covered behind 12 feet of Mandalorian iron. Vader kills the project's chief architect and the reporter who broke the story to make sure they learn an important lesson.
February 23, 2018 -- Vice President Vader accidentally slices off one of his aides' hands during a quadduck hunting trip at a Texas ranch. He becomes the most prevalent punchline on the late-night shows until "Daily Show" host Trevor Noah is mysteriously electrocuted on the air.
June 4, 2018 -- The president vows in his State of the Union address to create a new empire for America. Polls from Gallup, Rasmussen and Quinnipiac show the American people support the plan because they think he's talking about a fourth season of Fox's "Empire."
October 27, 2018 -- Scandal hits the Death House when the National Enquirer reveals that Vice President Vader has an estranged son. The White House Press Corps floods the press office with questions about the nature of their relationship, the identity of the mother and why the son is short one hand.
March 2, 2019 -- President Palpatine may be a despotic tyrant who rules over his detractors with an iron fist, but his approval ratings remain at 100 percent, as citizens cite "not wanting to be lit up like a neon sign on the Vegas Strip" as their primary reason for approval.
Despite having to compete with a tyrant like Palpatine for popularity, Congress' approval ratings somehow manage to dip even lower than the single-digit Congressional approval rating in 2013 because, according to the majority sentiment among those polled, "Dude, come on, it's Congress." The 115th Congress actually breaks the negative number approval rating barrier for the first time in American history, baffling both historians and mathematicians.
March 22, 2020 -- President Palpatine is removed from his office by Vice President Vader by way of the 1,843,782nd floor window of the president's office and gravity. Vice President Vader is severely burned by the president's electric strikes and dies shortly after ousting the president. Congress convenes an emergency, closed-door session to find a replacement, and director J.J. Abrams later reveals that he's been asked to pick a successor.