My relationship to Facebook is complicated.
I check it compulsively but I always seem to put it down in disgust.
I'm Donald Bell and today's Top 5 is gonna be like a little public therapy session for my Facebook addiction.
I'm counting down the worst things about Facebook.
Not the ads, not your annoying friends, not the game invites.
That's small potatoes.
I'm talking about the real core issues that make Facebook an existential tar pit.
Starting off at number five, creepos.
If you use Facebook as prescribed, it acts as a daily diary of everything about you.
It only takes one weirdo to make you realize that that's a really bad idea.
And I'm saying this as a guy.
Women have it a million times worse.
So, you lock up your profile like Fort Knox, only to realize that Facebook can sell all your stuff to advertisers.
Which is just a different kind of creepy.
You want to be part of the party, but you don't want to be exploited or stalked.
So how do you open up, and still keep out the creeps?
It's a big question that pervades the entire world of social media, not to mention your entire real life.
At number four, it's mostly lies.
If you were to believe your news feed, every one of your friends, even that jerk from high school, are all currently having a blast.
Their kids are being adorable, they're on vacation in Hawaii, they're engaged, they got a new job.
And it might all be true, but it's only half the story.
You're not seeing the food poisoning they got on vacation, or the credit card debt they incurred.
No one shows their kid acting like a monster, and you know that kid's a total jerk.
It's all a selectively crafted facade, and we're all guilty of it, and if that isn't really you, then who is it?
And, why are we doing this?
Coming in at number 3, too much information.
I met you at a party, I accepted your friend request, and now I'm learning about the unfortunate side effects of your master cleanse.
Good god, everyone's got a different idea of what kind of information is appropriate to share on Facebook.
Relationship drama, family drama, does this look like something I should see a doctor about drama.
Some people can't help it.
Some people get their kicks from pushing too far.
I prefer the good old days, when you could pass a kidney stone without having to take a selfie.
At number 2, envy.
Facebook is exceedingly good at making you feel inadequate.
It is, afterall, designed to sell advertising.
Whether it's by design or just human nature, most of the time I press the Like button, what I'm really saying is I wish I had that.
You're lunch looks great, I wish I were eating it.
That concert looks great, I wish I were there.
It makes you wonder how much happier you might be if you weren't constantly being reminded of all the things, and parties, and amazing food everyone else seems to be enjoying.
Aren't there any boring people left in the world to make me feel better about staying home and watching Netflix in my underwear?
Alright, finally, my vote for the number one worst thing about Facebook, the small daily reminders of your inescapable death.
[LAUGH] After 30, Facebook is where you go to watch your friends get fat and wrinkled.
I mean throw back Thursdays should really be called holy [NOISE] we're getting old.
remember your crush form high school?
They have five kids now.
In college, probably posting inappropriate picture on Facebook of how awesome their spring break is.
Which you shouldn't look at, cuz that would be creepy.
So there you go, five reasons why joining Facebook was the worst thing you've ever done.
Not that that'll stop me from checking it compulsively or posting this video on Facebook.
I'm Donald Bell.
You can find me on Twitter @donald, and you can find more videos like this at top5.cnet.com.
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