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Ep. 1284: Where we're judged by John HodgmanComedian and self-appointed Judge John Hodgman reveals the secrets to surviving the apocalypse and answers your questions about National Donut Day, the proper way to grow a mustache, and how to deal with Internet whiners.
-It's Friday, June 7th, 2013. This is The 404 Show on CNET. I'm Jeff Bakalar. -I'm Justin Yu. -I'm Ariel NuÃ±ez. Welcome to the program, ladies and gentlemen. Today, we are very lucky to be visited by this honorable, Mr. John Hodgman is in the studio today. Around of applause for Mr. John Hodgman. Hello, sir. -Yeah. -There it is. Official, those are official claps. -Official slow claps. -How do you do? -Slow caps. How are you, sir? -I'm well. How are you? -I'm okay. Thank you for being here. -It is a rainy day in New York City. -It is pretty nasty, isn't it? -Finally the apocalypse I promised everyone is coming. -You are preaching the end of days. -I was 6 months late. So, this is it. -It's okay. -I think this is the blood storm. -I think we're gonna give you that window. -Yes. -That buffer window you have. -Thank you. -Can you see me, sir? -Oh, yes, I can see you perfectly fine. -Okay. Fantastic. I only asked because of the spectacles that you're daunting right now. -These are some new high tech glasses that I'm developing. -Well, it makes sense because you would bring them to a very high tech show. -They allow me to peer into the internet. -What do you see? -I see all internet users. -Tell us, what are they doing? -You know what they're doing. -I know what they're doing. You sound like our government. -Yes, I know, exactly. -Is that-- are you wearing the special NSA glasses? -The NSA and a major search engine got together to develop these new high tech glasses they're going to see. -Isn't that Jeff's skin is so pale that you have to wear sunglasses in order to sit in from him comfortably? -And by major search engine I mean Walgreens.com. I will take these off now. I like these-- I get these-- I don't wanna-- you know how I hate buzz marketing. -Of course. -I get these at a major drug store chain. -Okay. -Which shall go unnamed. -Sure. -And it's not two names, right? I supposed you know that. -Sleeping Dogs-- -Because the only place I can find these, they go over my regular glasses. -Oh, wow. -Oh, wow. -And I need glasses in order to see. -Yeah, sure. That makes sense. -And I had prescription sunglasses but all they do, you know why they make prescription sunglasses, right? -So you can see in the sun? -No. To fall off the tops of cars. -Oh, yeah. -Yeah, right. -Of course and when a gust of wind comes by to annoy the people behind you. -Yes. -That is awesome. -That is the second use. -Yes. -Thank you for being here. -I'm glad to be here on the internet. -Your honor. -I can no longer see everyone. -Is it-- -I'm now focused on you guys. -Is it appropriate that we call you Your Honor? -Sure. Oh, you make reference to my Judge John Hodgman Podcast? -Yeah, absolutely. -I'm a self-appointed judge. -That's okay. -I'm self-appointed to a lifetime term. -Fair enough. -Of listening to people, mostly Canadians it turns out. Have petty fights over Skype with me. -Yeah. -And I determine who is right and who is wrong. -I wanna-- I will get to that more in a little bit because we, sir, have a few things that we need you to pass judgment on. -I shall do. -And what better person-- -Do you mind if I just keep sitting here? -If you would like. -As my client, this is how I'm comfortably sitting. -You look comfortable, very well, very well. You sir are a busy man. You have a lot of things going on, on the internet. -Thank you. -Sunglasses and all. -Yes. -Tell us about you have an amazing thing coming up on Netflix starting on June 20th. -Yes. -Your special is hitting Netflix. Would you care to tell us a little bit about that? -It is called John Hodgman: Hole in Ragnarok. -Rag-- that as an intimidating word, sir. -I know and the colon is just a punctuation mark. It's not John Hodgman word colon. -Right. Yeah. -Ragnarok, there'll may be a-- -That's disclosing perhaps too much. -Yeah I suppose, sir. -Tell us about it. -So, you know, last year, I traveled the country. -Uh-hmm. -Warning humans-- -Sure. -and the guys of standup comedy, -Yeah. -of the forthcoming apocalypse that was predicted by the Mayans. -Right. -That the Mayan long camp calendar ended on December 21st, 2012. -Sure. -So, I would go from town to town, telling people how to prepare for the collapse of civilization, -Uh-hmm. -how you would have to start becoming self-sufficient, become a doomsday preppers, start raising livestock, your boats, rabbits, chickens, sperm whales, you know-- -Raising sperm whale? -Yeah. Well, these-- they're the best animals to raise. -Okay. -You just buy them in the mail. Sperm whale habitat out back. -Right. -To start-- I mean, when they're alive, they're fantastic companion animals. They're good watch pets. -Uh-hmm. -Sure. And first thing when someone's at the door. -Right and especially if it's like a vengeful sea cap. -Okay. -They know them-- they know they're coming from miles away. -That sonar. -Yeah. And then, you know, when they die you're murdering them. -Because they live forever. -They provide meat, blabber, whale oils, spermaceti, ambergris, all sorts of useful substances. -Spermaceti? -Spermaceti is the waxy substance in the whale's head cavity. -Of course. -Do you know what you use spermaceti for? What the whale uses spermaceti for? -Now, correct me if I'm wrong. I believe it is an Italian delicacy. -No, you're thinking of a pasta. -Oh, I'm sorry about that. My mistake, my mistake, my mistake. -No idea what is it. -No one knows precisely why the whale has the substance. Their ideas about-- they use it for navigational purposes or as eco location-- not eco location but a resonating chamber for-- -Right, like a sonar. -Sort of thing, yeah. -Yeah. -But no one really knows for sure and since we don't know why the whale uses it, that makes it okay for us to kill the whale until-- -That's right. -Because we have uses for it. -It is therefore valuable. -Yeah. You can-- it's one of the most valuable parts of the sperm whale. -Uh-hmm. -And you use it to make all kinds of waxes and oils and candles. -Sure. -The spermaceti candles which you're gonna want after civilization collapses. You wanna have-- you know, for those romantic evenings. -So-- -When you wanna burn your sperm candles. -Right but not from both ends please. -No, no, no, no, no. -I'm blown away. How did you become an end of day's expert? -Well, I had read about the Mayan long count calendar ending and all of the apocalyptic predictions that we're associated with it. -Sure. -And I also turned 40 and as I turned 40, like most of us, you guys are too young. -Oh, wouldn't you know-- well-- -I can tell. -Can you? -Yeah. Well, I took-- first of all, I took genetic samples as I came in. -I knew it. -Yeah. But-- -When you turn 40, you start to contemplate your own mortality. -Sure. -And that's when people really tend to start thinking and becoming enchanted with apocalyptic and post apocalyptic literature because there is this feeling that there is a perverse pleasure that is taken in this idea that we are so important and relevant to the world, that when we die, we have to take the rest of the world out with us. -Of course. -This is kind of a baby boomer mentality. I'm not a baby boomer. You know what I mean. -Absolutely. -So, I started remembering my love of apocalyptic and post apocalyptic fiction in movies and you know, twilight zone and omega man and all these stories that we're perversely interested in with everything falling part. -Sure. -And the world going through tremendous calamity. And so I thought, oh this would be a fun thing to explore in this new book I was then writing of that is all and then through stand up. You know, taking my messages to the people. So, start raising sperm whales. Shred all your money 'cause-- -Uh-hmm. -you know-- -Right away. -You know, as most people on cable television will tell you, the U.S. dollar is about to go bye-bye. -[unk]. -You know what I mean? -Yeah. -And once society collapses, the only currency that's gonna have any value is the Turkey dollars, you know, so you should hoard your urine, you should hoard mayonnaise, you need them both. -Why the urine? -Why the urine? -You look at me like I'm crazy, you're like, yeah why of course? -Yeah, why urine? -Well, first of all, it's easily made at home. -Yeah. -Or wherever you go. -It's a natural disinfectant. It's high ammonium content, makes it a natural disinfectant. -I do pour it on all my wounds. -Yeah. Well, precisely. -Yeah, right. -And you can-- it has high nitrogen content, it's a good fertilizer. -Okay. -You can put it in a spray bottle and just spray people. -Yes. It's natural to turn as well. -Yeah, I believe. -Exactly sir. -And you can mark your territory with it. -And so I was traveling the country giving all these people these helpful tips and warning them about the coming calamities, you know, the omega pulse and the blood way, even the dog storm and all the things that were going to happen and I was helping them prepare. And then the day was approaching. -Right. -December 21st, 2012. And so I decided I would gather all of my faithful to me, about 300 people, to the bell house in Brooklyn New York on the shores of the Gowanus Canal, which is as you know, the most apocalyptic waterway in North America right now. -I'd agree with that. -To comfort them as the end approach with comedy and song and skits and-- -And Kool-Aid maybe. -And must no Kool-Aid. No Kool-Aid. -Yeah. -Maybe a little bit of Malort, the disastrous Chicago spirit. You know about Malort? -I don't. -We'll talk about that more-- -Yeah, there's a lot to talk about. So, comedy and songs and mustache viewings and to wait for the end together. -Uh-hmm. -And I won't spoil it but the world didn't end. But we did have a camera drew documenting the entire proceedings and so Netflix is gonna release that document for the first time to be seen outside that room on June 20th of this year 2013. -So, that's when it's available. -Yeah. -So, everyone can stream away that day. -Which is a long way of saying my one hour comedy special about wine, wealth, sports and the end of the world called Ragnarok, drops on Netflix June 20th. -Never thought I'd hear John Hodgman say drops. -Drops. -That's-- -On Netflix. June 20th. -Yeah. -If you're not a Netflix subscriber please subscribe. -Absolutely. -If you are a subscriber, all I ask, June 20th, press play and walk away. That's all. I hope you can watch-- please, you're free to watch it, I hope you enjoy it. -But-- -Just press play, walk away. That's the pair minimum that I ask. -On as many computers as possible. -Of all humanity. -Every computer in the house. -Cross platform. -Yeah. -Yeah. -And go on with your life. -Yeah. All right. Well, luckily for-- -Well, it's an important thing. I mean, you know, we consume a lot of culture in a lot of different ways. -Oh, yeah. -And it's-- you're empowered as a consumer to really support the things you wanna support. Louis C.K. for example is amazing for a lot of ways. He's a brilliant comedian but when he prints out a special, one of the reasons that his fans get so excited to buy the special is, A he's brilliant and B they know that the $5 they spend is going to go directly to him. It's not gonna be syphoned off to a major corporation to offset the cost of something else or whatever else. -Right. -And that's fantastic. But culture comes to us a lot of different ways and we don't always know how to support the things we want to support. -Uh-hmm. -You know, you can watch something and not care about whether it lives or dies, that's fine. But if you like an artist or a creator or a show or whatever, you know, it behooves you to know, well how can I watch this thing in a way that it makes money? -Right. -In a way that it means to be seen in order to continue to survive. -Right. -There's a big fight that I-- not a fight but the conversation that I had with people online about community because people watch-- people who love community are fairly big audience. -Right. -For any kind of show. -Yeah. -But they're-- but that's a show that reaches people over a lot of different channels and the one channel that it needs for people to be watching, which is watching live or watching on DVRs that day or the day after, -Right. -is just happens to be the channel that is probably least enjoyed by the people who like the community. -It's a weird paradox, man. Yeah. -I know. And like telling these people, you know if you like community, want to live, you can make a lot of petitions online. -Sure. -As many as you want. But the thing that they want you to do is watch it live or on DVR day over the next day. -Right. -And it's just because it's kind of a [unk] given of an old media realm that we're not even used to anymore. -It is-- -So, when I say, you know, when I say please subscribe to Netflix and if you already subscribed, June 20th, John Hodgman: Ragnarok, press play and walk away, it's being a monstrous self promoter but I also wanna do a service to those few souls out there who just like what I do. I'm-- this is how I'm-- this is my life, of course, you know what I mean, and I'm not joking about it. -Yeah. -I would love it for you to watch it and to enjoy it but at the very least, press play and don't press stop in the middle. -Right. -Because Netflix knows. -They know it would stop. -Netflix has the goggles on. -They do. -You know what I mean, they're watching you. -And if they could, they are watching and if they could they would have a camera at you to make sure your eyes are focused on the center of the screen. -Well, I'm not confirming or denying the Netflix camera. -Fair enough. We'll play the [unk] on that. And the Netflix camera is not real. -Find it -Yeah, they're not jerks and they're making the things that we love come back on TV. -Of course. -Like the rest of development like-- -Amazing. -And I'm so thrilled to have their support and so, you know, look, that's how this thing is going out into the world. -Right. -I hope people-- I think it's a beautiful thing though and I'm sure we all agree that people are empowered. -Yeah. -And they can do exactly, they can control to some degree or at least help that cause and make sure the things that they like do well. And I mean, it's obviously worked out well for Louis C.K., the rest development. -But it's a transition for people who like the kind of culture that comes over the internet, music, comedy, film, television or whatever because people don't know what their power is exactly. -Right. -And they're, you know, they still don't understand. People should enjoy what they enjoy in whatever form they enjoy. There are people out there, I know, believe me, we're gonna watch the special on their bootleg wax cylinder. Those people are crazy. They only wanna watch it on beta max, I understand. Do you know what I mean? And they should be empowered to do it but you know, it's an interesting new thing where consumers kinda-- should have the information available to them in a way that they hadn't before. It's like-- if you want this thing to continue, this is how we would like you to watch and here's why. -And you're totally right. It is a state of transition. I do believe-- -It's not on the consumer. It's on the person who makes the thing-- -Yeah. -to communicate and be a little bit more transparent. -Oh, absolutely. -Do you know what I mean? -And I think people respect that. -Yeah. -I think that resonates. That's what they wanna hear from people. That's when they're lied to and deceived, as when they revolved. -Well, one of the reasons people hate watching live television is they know that the-- they have a sense that the Nielsen rating system is a boondoggle. -Right. -Now, statistics are real thing, right? -They exist. -You know, there was a time when the only way you could measure who is watching a show, -Uh-hmm. -was by doing a statistical sample which-- -Sure. -is always gonna sound ridiculous. -Right. -Like 5,000 people you know, filling out logs-- -Or getting phone call or something. -Or getting a phone call or having a box like the box was the state o the art technology. -Yeah. -That just recorded what you are watching. -Uh-hmm. -There still a lot of radio ratings that are based on people filling out a little booklet. -Yeah. -Like they're taking a test in college. You know what I mean? -Very strange. Yeah. -So, now, we have a lot more technologies that are gonna be able to watch what we're watching and where we're watching and everything else and that's good and obviously terrifying. -It is terrifying for now. -Yeah but you take the good with the bad. You know what I mean? -Absolutely. Yeah, for sure. -But you know, that whole system of measuring views was always and remains very cryptic and that's why people don't wanna engage in it. You know what I mean? -Absolutely. -And equally so, what is measuring views mean anymore? -Right. -You know, you have a subscription service like Netflix. What they're saying is we're gonna curate a bunch of content for you. You're gonna be happy with-- you can pick and choose whatever you want within it, all we care is that you subscribe and renew your subscription. -Right. -So, for them, the-- and this is not based on anything I know from inside Netflix. I've never been over to Netflix now or [unk]. -That's the tower that they broadcast. Live from Netflix tower. -This is the Netflix in Israel or somewhere. -Yeah, but I mean, you know, for a subscription service, the important thing is maintaining let's say a generic subscription service. -Uh-hmm. -Like Walgreens streaming video. -You know, getting new subscribers, maintaining subscribers and spreading word of the brand. That's how they make their-- literally how they get revenue in. And so therefore, a show that brings them attention, that brings them awards, that's their currency more than just the raw number of how many people watching. -Right. I mean, it's a totally changing landscape. We have this conversation all the time, whether it'd be film-- -Well, I'm sorry to bring up this [unk]. -Oh, no. This is not a redundant conversation, man. -Sorry. Sorry, I [unk]. -How many times have you apologized to the internet though? -I would imagine. Speaking of the internet. They're on-- exist Podcast that you do. -The Judge John Hodgman Podcast. -And as I refer to earlier, we are on the presence of Podcast Royalty. -Oh. -So, I don't know, it's very kind of you to say. Thank you very much. -Oh, my pleasure. Tell us about how this show came to fruition because-- -Sure. -inquiring minds would like to know. -So, the Judge John Hodgman Podcast is part of a network of Podcast that fall in to the umbrella of maximumfun.org. -Uh-hmm. -It's both of name and URL. -How about that? It's a promise. -And it is the organization started by Jesse Thorn, -Uh-hmm. -who is the host of a public radio show called Bullseye. -Right. -And his own Podcast Jordan, Jesse, Go! and others. And I had been a fan of his "For a Long Time and a Friend" and I had been interviewed-- he's one of the best interviewers I know and I've been interviewed on his radio show a number of times. And had-- when I decided I wanted to-- I had a Podcast feed based off of my second audio book. -Uh-hmm. -And that feed was coming to an end as all the pre-recorded material was coming to an end. I didn't wanna lose that listener ship and I wanted to engage with those people and so I thought about what I should do and Jesse had this idea why don't you be a judge, you know, sort of Judge Wapner, People's Court Judge Judy Style and we'll take-- we'll listen to cases, we'll listen to disputes, the people actually call in on the internet and we have conversations when you hear the case and then you render judgment and they could be anything from you know, my husband isn't, you know-- my husband shouldn't eat-- my husband is hiding candy bars and eats them all in the middle of the night, tell him not to. -Uh-hmm. -And I don't remember whether I did or not, or you know, sort of to really esoteric questions like my friend is convinced that by the definition of a robot, a machine gun is a robot. -Okay. -I disagree with that. And that's obviously not true. -I mean, and I think that what makes it special is the, you know, the trivial sort of things that come in-- -Right -but are-- as a matter of fact, for finally interesting. -Well, we settle, you know, we settle the things that people-- their fight about in bars or their bedroom. -Right. -You know what I mean? -Absolutely. -So, it's a lot of guys who have gotten angry with each other over the years about whether or not it's appropriate to ask the taxi driver taking you home from the bar to go through the drive-through at Wendy's or whatever. -Right. -Like, is that cool or not cool? It's fine. -If you pay for-- -I think-- -If you pay for their meal, I think, yes, definitely. -Yeah. -Well, I think that you could-- you should absolutely like double-- -Free them. -Yeah and off the tip. -Sure. -Uh-hmm. -Make sure they're cool with it if they are, offer them some french fries or whatever. -Right. -Absolutely. I mean, the meter is running too. -Yeah. -You know, that's still part o the package. -And then we had one-- we had one where just recently, where a married couple in Portland, Oregon were a lot of weird cases come from. I understand. The wife has a very small bladder and uses the bathroom a lot, which goes number one. And then they only have one bathroom in the house. So, she wants to get an anti-chamber pot to keep in her art studio upstairs. -Oh, no. -Should an emergency arrive. Now, chamber pot if the internet doesn't know, it does when I Google-- -Let me Google it for you. -Yeah. -Put on the glasses. Looking a chamber pot. The settings that we have glasses that do that, though. -Yeah. -Oh, you just got my joke finally. I thought you were of the internet. -Nothing gets by me. -Antique ceramic pot used in old tiny times and kept under bed before there was indoor plumbing for relief of the bridges. -Bridges. -During the night would be emptied, in the morning there are collect waste all over the place. -Of course. And then, you know, it's some ancient technology. It's some ancient receptacle. -I-- yeah. -Also known as a thunder jug. -A thunder jug because it's-- -One of the many names. -Prefer that [unk]. So, she wanted a thunder jug for her art studio and he did not want her urinating into a bowl in their house. -Yeah. -Which would now and now on which side did you fall? -Her side. -Yeah. -Yeah. -It's an ancient technology. Why not? She presented a case for how she was going to properly dispose of whatever was put in there and then sanitize it and that guy is apparently doing crossword puzzles all the time in the bathroom. You know what I mean? It's like you had a-- -Yeah. -You have to finish the crossword or get off the puzzle. -Okay. I was like-- -How's he gonna navigate? -All right. -Finish the crossword, of course is the euphemism for [unk]. I so bleat. -Very good. -You only-- not a lot of people can do that. -Yeah. -It's a fine art. We have a few things that we wanna bring to your attention. -Fights between you guys or fights from the internet. -Fights well from the internet perhaps. -Yeah. -I'm ready. -It's funny you bring up the number one thing, though, because we actually started a bathroom break so that Justin himself could get rid of his bladder. -It's true. -Right. -Hold, but that's just the fun fact for you. -Uh-hmm. -Yeah. And no, I just like how we're peering at you now, which is fantastic. -Right. Well, I do drink a lot of water. -Yeah. -It doesn't look like he will open up your water bottle but and you're more of a Podcast professional than I am. -No, no. I hydrate with gin. -Yes and the rain outside. -Gin and rainwater. The old flash [unk]. -You know why I drink only in rainwater and distilled grain alcohol? Why is that drink called? It's called the Dr. Strange. -Excellent. -This has been a topic of conversation on our program many times. -Yeah. -And it's something-- well, no, hey. It's in the air. -Go ahead. -Something that we need you to pass to pass final judgment on. It deals with people's filming videos themselves. -Okay. -There is a situation that is afflicting the internet called-- -Like a type to debranch this before I could-- -It's okay. It'll be mosaic. No worries about that. There's a problem on the internet. -Keep going. -There's a problem on the internet and involves people filming off their phones and posting to YouTube. It is called vertical video syndrome. -Oh, yeah. -I'm sure you're aware. -Yeah. -It's interesting. -I've seen fights. I think that-- -There are people-- -was developed-- that came up because people on the internet had ran out of things to fight about. -Right. This was the last thing and after this, it'll be over. -Yeah. -We wanna know where you stand on it and we want you to pass final judgment on. We talked about this in great detail. We had people coming in, most of them seemed to agree that it is an awful practice and some people defended it saying it is a tactic that people used to make it look like they aren't filming something, which I just simply don't buy. So, I would like to know-- -In other words, creeps. -Yeah. -Right. -We wanna look like they're checking their text messages. -It was the creep defense, is what it was. -They need vertical filming because otherwise, 'cause no one checks her text messages this way. -Exactly. -No one does it horizontally. It's a huge faux pas. -I think that it marks your video as amateurish, and/or creepy. -Yeah. -If you post it that way. -Sure. -I do not think it is worth as very little is. The incredibly vituperous and often profane fighting that goes on-- -Yes. Thank you. -in the YouTube comments over it. -Sure. That is for the ground links, though. That's the gulch right there. -Yeah. That's for the first world ground links. -How dare you. How dare you insult my eyes. -Right -With this format of video that I'm getting for free while sitting at college on a lazy river tube in the student center. -Right. -This is the matter. Can we choose that most videos that people shoot vertically, aren't videos that you wanna see for more than a minute anyway? And so, for that minute, if you're exposed to maybe a little bit of cut off on other side, -I agree. -It's not the worst thing in the world. -It is a practice that should-- -It's usually a street fight. -Sure. Okay. That's what I wanna see here. -Of course. -People don't know how bad it looks. -Exactly. But if it happens in your life, which it has, you have a choice which is to look away. -Oh, it's tough. -Thank you. -And it's rubbernecking. -I appreciate that. -It's digital rubbernecking and not start laying down comments encouraging people to be hero and eat things-- I don't want them to die. It's just never be allowed to operate a phone or maybe a-- -There is-- an internet comment there is in immediate escalation to death, yes, yes. -There is. -I don't think-- I think you're-- -That's just a little too far from people. -You know, I-- no one's surely no one should die over something like this. -Uh-hmm. -Well, but you're suggesting that there should be some kind of punishment of some kind. -Well, maybe a fine, a fine. -Some kind of punishment, some kind. -Some sort of fine that spits out and they must pay it through PayPal or some other. -Believe me they're paying, reading your comments. -It's not really-- -Because I think a lot of the time, I mean, there are creeps to be sure but a lot of the time, these are just like grand moms. -Right, right. -And weird dads who don't know anything. -Right. -My biggest thing, the thing that put me over the tipping point. -But oh, internet is gonna show them your weird dad. I'm gonna dock you now. -Oh, yeah. -You have destroyed my brain with me. -I lost. -I am now going to release your home address on to or jail. -and send out-- -Yeah. -hooligans. -Let's just see or appreciate that there's incongruity between 100%, between offense and punishments there. -Absolutely. -Right. -I think the punishment-- -Now, I'm gonna get docked right? Because I said something bad. -No. No one's listening. I had a tour in my mustache. -Yeah. You know, we did get a bunch of questions about your mustache. -All right. We got-- -Let's go through some of them. -We got-- let's go through some of them. Someone wrote in and said, hey-- -Hey. -canuclehead, @canucklehead_ca again, the Canadian thing. -Oh, okay, it spelled that way. -At what point where-- was the evil John Hodgman replaced by what we've seen now? Because I'm assuming they're referring to the mustache. -I grew my mustache as a non-comedy mustache. I knew that I was not gonna be on television for a while, -Yeah. -and I knew that I was gonna be on the Jonathan Coulton Cruise for a period of time, and I had a mustache a decade earlier that I do not keep it very long and I kinda wanted to see if it was still there. And then I kinda liked it but I was the only one. And when I realized how hideous most humans found my mustache, I realized I could only keep it by passing it off as a comedy mustache. And at the same time I was developing this new iteration of my character who had always been this smarty pants professorial type, -Yeah. -into this deranged millionaire Howard Hughes doomsday profit. -Sure. -And the mustache fit in with that to some degree. -Yeah it does. -And in fact, on my special, my original plan for Ragnarok was that I would shave my mustache on stage. -Oh, my. -But sometime in the middle of it, I realized you know what, this isn't a comedy mustache. I am legitimately a guy with a mustache, you're daunting it. This is isn't for laughs. -And if the world doesn't end, I'm just gonna own it. -Yeah. But I will curl it up at the ends so that I don't look like a corrupt police officer. This is-- I mean, this is hideous. It's all hideous and this is a little-- this is okay. This is a little-- slightly whiplash. This is like, you know-- -Yeah, that's-- -Look, I'm down. -This is [unk]. -Yeah. -It's amazing and it's just the curl that does that. -Yeah. -Let's take some more questions from the internet. Mr. Hodgman, are you-- -Yes. -are you aware today is a National Doughnut Day? -I thought yesterday was National Doughnut Day. -No, it's today. That's why they had doughnuts here for us today, which is amazing. -Okay. -If you have-- -I think this is maybe National Day Old Doughnuts-- -Perhaps. -Yeah. -Betherlo, @betherlo would like to know what is the official suggestion amount to consume. How many doughnuts should you official consume on National Doughnut Day? -Be careful, everybody. Be careful out there, guys. -Just have two doughnuts today. -Yeah. -Two doughnuts. -Two. All right. -Look. I am not yelling like you. -No. I have a metabolism that is failing. -All right. Fair enough. -I will say this, on the internet, right now, listen internet, we can all agree that competitive eating is the most offensive thing on earth. -Yes. -It's up there. It's up there. -That's gross. -It's that in vertical filming. -What greater terrorist recruitment tool is there than to suggest that all we have to do with our time is watch television shows of people trying to eat the biggest thing they can? -Yeah, yeah. -It's [unk] for sure. -That's gross. -Yeah. No, we can't reap it, reap it, everyone. -Stop it, stop it. -We cannot disagree with you, sir. Oh, dear. We're running out of time. -We are. -And-- -Let me say a couple of things that are important. -You most certainly can, absolutely. -So, the world didn't end and I've had to figure out what to do with the rest of my dumb life, which might stand for years. -To come, maybe. -Years more and so I've developed all new-- I've had to figure out what it is that I'm-- 'cause literally when the show is over, I'd felt like Burgess Meredith at the end of that Twilight Zone where the whole world had gone and I was the only one left. -No fair. -Because I had not-- very nice. I had not really planned for what would happen, even though I knew that this apocalypse was a joke, -Yeah. -not really planned for what would happen-- -Because you bought into it. -I did. I had no-- this is the Ragnarok special dropping June 20th on Netflix is the culmination of almost a decades worth of fake facts and weird baked trivia and humor that I had been writing and performing in these books and audio books, starting with the areas of my expertise, more information that you require, that is all. I created this alternate universe and then that is all, I destroyed it and then in Ragnarok, I said goodbye to it, -Uh-hmm. -and it was like emotional for me. -Sure. -But I also didn't realize what I was gonna do next. So, over the past 6 months, I have been performing on stage secretly in New York and figuring out what it is that I'm thinking about, what it is that I find funny. -Uh-hmm. -And I am bringing all of that to Chicago next week. -Excellent. -On June 13th, at Park West part of the Just for Laughs Festival. It's all new post apocalyptic comedy, for me, John Jodgman. And I hope that you will attend. -Absolutely. -And find out all information about all my future dates in johnhodgman.com/tour. I'm selling myself. I don't care. -There it is. -I don't care. There it is. -In all of its glory. -And then on June 20th, if you wanna see how it all began with the ending. -Nice. -Subscribe to Netflix or if you already subscribe, search John Hodgman: Ragnarok on Netflix on June 20th, press play and walk away or sit down and enjoy the end of the world with me. Won't you? -That's-- no, I mean, how do you follow that? -There is no way. I'm a professional broadcaster. -I hear that. -You can follow Judge John Hodgman, firstname.lastname@example.org. Make sure you do that. Again, and then do yourself a favor and follow Mr.Hodgman on Twitter @hodgman. -@hodgman. -All right. -You'll get all of these plugs and more again and again. -@johnhodgman.com or @hodgman on Twitter. -All right. Real quick. We got a lot of questions. When is the next time we'll see you on The Daily Show? -Oh, before the end of this month. -Okay. -I hesitate to say the exact date because it changes during that week. -Sure. All right. So, keep a look out for that. -Before the end of this month. -This has been fantastic. -Thank you. -Thank you so much for being here. We would love to have you back. -I'm sorry that it went by so quickly. -Well, that's what happens when you're here having fun, right? -I will come back anytime you wish. -We really appreciate that. -Always a pleasure. -Thank you so much again. Make sure you also check out the books. We didn't talk too much about the books but I read two of them and-- -Which two? -That is all in The Areas of My Expertise. -Oh, you missed the whole middle section. -Yes. -You missed The Two Towers of my trilogy. -So, that's the hole in my heart that needs to be filled and you're that void, sir. -All of the books are available as hardcopy books and as audio books which often feature guest performances from Jonathan Coulton and Jon Hamm and Dick Abbott and Zach Galifianakis and all these others. -Excellent. -Jonathan Coulton, 404 alumni. -I'm not surprised. -Well, there you have it. -Yeah. -There you have it. Thanks so much, man. -Thank you very much. -Again-- -June 20th, press play and walk away. -There you go. -Netflix. -And if you're in Chicago. -June 13. -June 13th at Park West. -Make sure it happens. -Just for Laughs. -That will do it for us, guys. -Thank you very much. -Thank you so much. 866-404-CNET is the phone number. You can e-mail us email@example.com. We will be back very soon after E3 and all the fun that awaits us next week. -Oh, have fun there. -Thank you very much. Until then, we will see you, guys. I'm Jeff Bakalar. -I'm Justin Yu. -I'm Ariel NuÃ±ez. -I'm John Hodgman. -You are sir. Don't forget it. This has been The 404 Show. High tech, low brow. We will see you guys soon. Thanks for watching. -Bye-bye. -Well, guys, thanks for letting me talk about all--