It is with 'eavy 'eart that I must announce my resignation from CNET UK. My time at the UK's largest consumer technology Web site has been challenging and enjoyable, yet I feel my position is no longer tenable after recent revelations that I have never had sex with Russell Brand.
I phoned legendary swordsman Mr Brand to apologise for the damage to his lothario reputation, but had to leave a message. This will be my only public announcement on the subject, as I feel that a dignified silence is the best way to lay the matter to rest; I have hired Max Clifford to help out with that.
My editor asked if this was to do with the kebab/leafblower incident, because Penelope in sales had agreed not to sue. There were no complaints after the initial revelation, made in the small hours of the morning on a Tuesday three weeks ago while talking to a neighbourhood cat outside my house. However, we have been literally flooded with over seven complaints since the story was picked up by the Thingwall Evening Whistle and Sprocket.
In a letter to the newspaper, Brigadier Quentin Cholmondeley-Barmtoss (retired), said:
"Good honest licence-fee payers like myself don't pay for the Internet only to be subjected to this kind of nonsense. We need less of this kind of outrageous behaviour and more programming like Britain's Got Talent. That's how we got through the Falklands y'know: threw another miner on the fire and had a bloody good sing-song."
When contacted for a comment, the silent majority replied in an unwritten statement:
Once again, I must express my sincerest apologies to Mr Brand. I am now off to do three years of National Service and think about what I have done.