You probably don't think of days or months anymore.
You probably prefer to divide the year up into gadget launch periods.
This is what it means to be a modern, connected human. So I thought I'd reach into the future to see what tech news you should expect to read in 2015.
1. MAN KILLED BY SELFIE STICK IN CHURCH. Jasper Dwindling, 25, wanted to ensure that he posted the perfect devotional image to his Instagram account. So he brought with him to church a selfie-stick that would definitively capture his rapture. Sadly, the moment he chose for his shot was when congregants were asked to offer each other the sign of peace. As the man in front of him, Casper Smith, 57, turned around with his hand outstretched, Dwindling's selfie stick shot toward his face, struck his temple and killed him.
2. VENTURE CAPITALIST WALKS AWAY FROM DEAL WITH STUDENT STARTUP FOUNDER WHO HAS MEDIOCRE IDEA THAT MIGHT MAKE A LOT OF MONEY. "I didn't think I could do it," said Baldrick Cluesome, CEO of Winsome Cluesome Venture Capital Group. "I could smell the money. I could taste the money. But I knew this startup founder was a strange little man. Normally, I quite like strange little men. But this man was stranger than even I could stomach. My partners think I'm mad. Maybe I am."
3. GOOGLE LAUNCHES GOOGLE EYEBROWS. Having failed to persuade the masses that Google Glass was the next great thing, the brains at Google X realized there was no point inserting appendages on people. They had to use the human body itself. So Google Eyebrows replace your current eyebrows, while being able to take pictures, record sound and deliver messages. The eyebrows extend in front of your eyes, whenever something important comes up or whenever you say: "OK Google." Google says one of the great advantages is that Google Eyebrows are self-grooming.
4. TWITTER'S FIFTH CEO THIS YEAR SAYS: 'I GIVE UP.' Howard Stern, brought in to expand Twitter's franchise beyond media people and teenagers, says that he has no clue how to make enough money from the tweeting service. Stern said: "Look, managing a company like this is just too hard. I just want to tell jokes like Dick Costolo. And, while I've been CEO, I don't think my jokes were any better than his."
5. ERIC SCHMIDT TO CHALLENGE HILLARY CLINTON FOR DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION. "I love Hillary," said Google's executive chairman. "But she's far removed from everyday life. She doesn't really know people." He explained why he was the better candidate: "I really, really know people. I know what they're thinking. I know what they're googling. Hell, I know what people want before they do. America has never seen a president who is so intimately involved with each and every American. That's the essence of democracy."
6. AT CES, A PRODUCT WE'LL ACTUALLY BE TALKING ABOUT NEXT WEEK. CES 2015 was buzzing with the news that a mystery company was about to announce a product that would revolutionize human life. Well, almost. It's unclear what sort of product this is. It's unknown whether we're going to wear it, drive it or insert it into our bodies. But everyone believes that this product is one that even people at Starbucks will be able to name in seven days time. Watch this space.
7. UBER HIRES DONALD STERLING AS CHAIRMAN. "You can look at it two ways," said Uber CEO Travis Kalanick. "Donald has been there, done that. And done that other thing. No one has more experience in taking flak and coming out of it with a lot of money. He can help us navigate the tricky byroads of PR, when our own corporate GPS is faulty. There again, some people in the company think our negative image is a net positive for the company. So there's that too."
8. ALMOST ONE PERCENT OF PEOPLE WANT TO PAY WITH THEIR SHOES. In a study conducted on behalf of the Stratos Card, a Bluetooth connected card platform that holds all your credit card details on one card, 9 percent of respondents said they were happy to pay by watch, while 0.7 percent said they'd like to pay by shoe. (I cheated here. This is a fact-based headline. This is real research that I have before my eyes right now.)
9. APPLE LAUNCHES iSTICK. "We've used only the best materials known to man for this selfie-stick,' said Apple's design guru Jony Ive. "The iStick is made from the finest supra-platinum molding. It's incredibly light and unashamedly perfect for extending your image physically, while enhancing your image emotionally. It took us 10,000 hours of considering length, purpose and, of course, style to come up with a design that would bring Leonardo da Vinci to his knees. The iStick isn't just one in the eye for the competition. It's a whole new psychology in accessories. Oh, and it only works with iPhones."
10. COP ASKS DRIVER IN TRAFFIC STOP TO FILM HIM, BECAUSE HE'S GOING TO BEHAVE IN AN EXEMPLARY MANNER. "It was weird," said Jason Hardcastle, 19. "This cop stops me and says: 'Get your cell phone out. This is going to be good." Hardcastle insists that the cop told him too many police officers get a bad rap, and that. "This cop wanted to make news by being good. And he was," said Hardcastle. "He was calm and polite and he let me off with a warning." Hardcastle added that the cop offered this parting comment: "Put that video up on YouTube. I bet you'll make money off of it. It's art."