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Stuffed up to my Wazzu, like the MS Web site

Speaking of largesse, Microsoft is getting ready to bestow Office 97 upon the world. The word on the street is that one version of the application suite would take up over 50 floppy disks, and that's before you add the cranberry sauce and gravy.

This time of the year is always tough for a guy named Skinny. It's one turkey dinner after another, helping after helping of Grandma DuBaud's marshmallow ambrosia, and Trixie's always got a blender full of egg nog in the office kitchen. A man could assume Philippe Kahn-esque proportions if he's not careful.

Speaking of largesse, Microsoft is getting ready to bestow Office 97 upon the world. The word on the street is that one version of the application suite would take up over 50 floppy disks, and that's before you add the cranberry sauce and gravy. Just hearing that made me want to strip down in the brisk fall air and take a few laps around the block.

On second thought, I think I'll stay inside. You never know when a virus will strike. Right, Microsoft? A certain Big Blue rival says it spotted the telltale signs of the Wazzu virus, which hides in MS Word macros, in a file downloaded from Microsoft's Web site.

More than a few WorldNet subscribers are feeling exposed to the chill winds of the Internet. Seems like whenever they post to Usenet, their IP addresses show up in the headers. Cause for alarm? Probably not. WorldNet assigns users a temporary IP address for each online session. Even if you surf 48 hours in a row (and gosh, who doesn't every once in a while) it would take a superhacker to have the remotest chance of doing nefarious deeds to your Windows box over TCP/IP, according to my lab rats. As for Mac users, the worst some creep could do is flood your in-box until you logged off.

I shouldn't have to turn to expert advice on these matters, but you can only know so much. I'd sign up for a class or two at ZD Net University, but my informant tells me they accept credit cards only. No cash, no money orders, no trade-ins of late 1970s Gremlins or Pacers. Talk about the cultural elite!! Well, so much for my Softbank sheepskin. I'm a cash-only guy; living undercover like I do, I can't afford to leave a paper trail. You may not have a higher degree, but you're always welcome to school me on the latest tech industry gossip. Send me your tips between turkey-induced comas.

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