Google, be blessed.
You have given me almost two more years of my life that I never thought I'd have. You have saved me from endless hours and days of purgatorial pain. You have offered me closure, even before the doomed affair had truly begun.
My apologies. I'm not wrecked on Retsina. I'm merely reading reports that Google's very fine search engine has already indicated that Hillary Clinton will be the next president of the United States.
Of course, there's a touch of hyperbole here. But I suspect there might be one or two political partisans who will be experiencing intensely hyperbolic reactions when they hear of it.
You see, Google search has responded to the question: "Who will be the next president?" with a card that answered: Hillary Clinton.
I know, I know. You were still holding out for either Ted Nugent or the Hulk Hoganesque intellect of Donald Trump.
Instead, as the Next Web reported, two formulations of the same question both throw up results that suggest that in 2016, the revolution will be Clintonized.
Nerds will surely rush to explain that Google's search engine reacts to optimized results, and these two happened to be results that appear to be -- but aren't -- definitive answers. One, after all, is from renowned independently-minded performer Glen Beck.
I have contacted Google to ask for a definitive answer and will update. However, my own searches don't throw up that definitive card anymore.
There is no suggestion that Google's engineers are machinating to offer a coronation before the 18-month ululation.
I suspect, though, that a few conspiracy theorists will be ready to offer concerns about Google's alleged dark arts.
One imagines that a sizable proportion of Google's youthful staff might lean more to port than starboard. However, let me toss in one exalted conspiracy theory, merely for the amusement of those who cannot get enough of them .
Wouldn't it be delicious if this was a ploy by Bernie Sanders supporters to combat the notion that the Clinton nomination is a foregone conclusion?