Not to throw shade at you, but I don't like your tone. What do you mean by retiring me, and the day before National Crayon Day of all days? Do you disown your mother the day before Mother's Day to save yourself the cost of a greeting card? (Rumor has it my retirement came Thursday rather than Friday after this tweet pointed out the news splashed all over Crayola boxes at a Target store.)
When I first heard you were planning to retire a crayon color from the 24-color box, I felt safe. Why would I be the one with the (bad) luck of the draw?
Really, you think I wasn't more useful than white? He's the laziest crayon in the box, usually left sleeping while the rest of us get gnawed on by kindergartners. How many times do you need to draw a ghost or a snowman? And you better have colored construction paper if you even want to see that crayon work at all.
And you kept gray? No kid has ever said, "Pass me the gray crayon, I need to draw a bunch of rocks. Or an old-time jailer's ring of keys. Or an anvil." The gray crayon could totally retire and live off his "Fifty Shades" royalties anyway.
I admit, I threw a smug look at both yellow green and green yellow, not to mention violet red and red violet. Surely one of those useless pairs would get split up. Talk about the Department of Redundancy Department.
Oh I know I'm not the oldest crayon in the box. I was only introduced in 1990. But come on, a dandelion crayon has many uses! Think of how many times a day kids draw dandelions. Um, what do you mean by not that many? And there are plenty of other shades of yellow they can use? Well, that's not the point!
Want to draw a weird tropical fruit that you can't name? An off-brand Big Bird? A kitchen sponge? I'm your crayon! You can't create those masterpieces with carnation pink.
And during Crayola's big Facebook Live presentation on Friday, they didn't even name my replacement! They just said it'll be something "in the blue family" and that fans will get a chance to help name it this summer. Oh, that's a great idea. Hope Crayola likes Bluey McBlue Face.
For now, I guess I must grudgingly accept my retirement. Gotta stay in shape though, for when Crayola finally comes to its senses and brings me back. I think I'll go color a bunch of tennis balls.
Gone but not forgotten,
The Dandelion Crayon
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