Gmail fails, signals tech apocalypse

This morning, Googlemail packed up for a bit. If you were anywhere near Twitter or just about any tech news site, the wailing and gnashing of teeth could have convinced you that the end of the world was upon us. At first we didn't see what the fuss was about--a quick check on "Is it down for everyone or just me?" followed by some IMAP or POP3 tinkering would have solved the problem.

But then these are gloomy times, and we're not talking about Twitter, which swoons dead away on a regular basis: this is Google, the bedrock of the Internet. What if we really are facing the Big Blue Screen of Death? What will be the signs if a higher power does hit CTRL + ALT + DEL on our technology-dependent world?

We decided to look for answers in the Bible. The Bible is sort of like God's user manual, and everybody knows you don't crack open the manual until something's gone epically wrong, so we just did what we always do and Wikipedia'd it instead.

According to the Book of Revelations, there are seven stages to the end of the world. These are seen in visions by a chap called John, who is called by an angel to document the end of days. Which he'll film on his Flip Mino and then Twitter about, presumably.

What really sent chills down our spine was that John's first act was to write letters to each of the seven major churches of the world. D'y'see? Letters. E-mail. This is it, people.

John's first vision involves him entering heaven, a beautiful white paradise where people bow down before a shining figurehead. We don't want to get too specific, but have you ever been in an Apple Store?

The four horsemen of the apocalypse are unleashed from a scroll held with seven seals. Later, there are seven trumpets, seven thunders, seven bowls...a whole load of sevens, basically. Which means we're not at all looking forward to Windows 7, and not just because we think several editions is a stupid idea.

After that the visions mostly involve rivers of blood, locust/scorpion mash-ups with wings and lions' teeth, fire and stars and mountains and more blood falling on people's heads, and generally a bit of a miserable time all round. We bet it happens on a Monday. Mondays are always the worst. It's worth noting that one way of avoiding these assorted crimps in your day is to make sure you have the mark of God upon you. Which presumably looks like this: 0;)

All worrying stuff, we're sure you'll agree. We're off to look out for more potential harbingers of the tech apocalypse, like Sony releasing a Netbook, or Twitter taking over the world, or every gadget, everywhere, suddenly failing for no apparent reason... Ah, yes. We're screwed.

(Originally posted at Crave UK)