Films and the Web have gone hand-in-hand since the first pirate sneaked into the mutleyplex. But what would films based on your favourite sites and software look like? Crave calls lights... camera... action!
Richard TrenholmFormer Movie and TV Senior Editor
Richard Trenholm was CNET's film and TV editor, covering the big screen, small screen and streaming. A member of the Film Critic's Circle, he's covered technology and culture from London's tech scene to Europe's refugee camps to the Sundance film festival.
Hooray for Hollywood, that screwy balleyhooey Hol-ly-wood... Oh hello there. Here at Crave Towers, we've been inspired by the news that West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin is to script a movie based on the story of Facebook. We've long dreamed of breaking into showbusiness -- there's no business like it, we've heard -- so we're drawing on our knowledge of the Internet and technology to put together this marketing plan, outlining our pitches for smash-hit movies based on your favourite Web sites, gadgets and tech trivia.
We're ready for our close-up, so grab some popcorn and click through the images for our ideas, pitches and potential blockbusters. Hollywood, here we come!
Securing backing for a movie is hard. Maybe we should go where the money is? Google have a few quid going spare -- last attempt to finance a film disappeared without trace, but let's give it a shot.
Stanford, 1995. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are Larry and Sergey, two-fisted maths students and high-tech crime-fighters who are a hit with all the ladies, including Gillian Anderson, Cindy Crawford and Helena Bonham Carter.
If Damon/Affleck busy: Simon Pegg/Nick Frost? Mario Van Peebles/Christopher Lambert?
Okay then, let's try teenage boys. They can't read either:
Judd Apatow gross-out comedy starring Sean William Scott, Seth Rogen and Chantelle off Big Brother. Two slackers attempt to tick off a list of ten things they've always wanted to do, in one day. About five of the ten are actually funny.
*With Christopher Walken as the Dean.
Maybe we can get both young female and young male demographics:
Tagline: Thanks for the add!
Baz Luhrman directs a lush visual fantasy about a utopian dimension
threatened by an evil business mogul -- played by Harold Bishop off
Neighbours. Only a band of plucky Web-celebs led by Tila Tequila
and the cast of KateModern can save MySpace. Highlights include a space
battle sequence in which the rebels attack the villain's lair, which is
a giant battle station shaped like Peaches Geldof's head.
starring Christopher Walken as 'Tom'.
Hmm. Possibly too conceptual...
The Olsen Twins in 2 Girls, 1 Cupcake
Think of the merchandising!
T-shirts and lunchboxes for the girls.
Pin-up calendars and uncut DVDs for the boys.
Branded chocolate mousse for the dads.
*Christopher Walken is George Washington.
Right, let's try something a little more highbrow. Here's some ideas on wowing the arthouse and Guardian readers.
Wag the Dog/Primary Colors-style political satire, starring Jon Stewart as the everyman plucked from total obscurity to be the Republican Vice-Presidential nominee.
Coen Brothers? Also starring George Clooney and John Turturro, obviously. Oh, oh -- and Charlie Brooker as Gordon Brown.
Wikipedia: the Director's Final Cut (Uncut) Redux - Special Edition
Tagline: Sometimes, the hardest edits are to your own life
Portmanteau project featuring sequences by directors including
Terence Davies, Ridley Scott and Michael Cimino. Terry Gilliam is
over-budget already and he hasn't even left his house yet. Peter
Greenaway is a possibility, and we're in talks with Werner Herzog. What
could possibly go wrong?
Note: Keep an eye on George Lucas, if we're not careful there'll
be directors' cuts and special-edition DVDs out every other week.
Apple: the iFilm
Directed by Wes Anderson: Jason Schwarzman is Mac. Philip Seymour Hoffman is PC. Mac and PC are thrown together in a life-changing road movie, travelling to Cupertino, California. Along the way they encounter various quirky figures, all played by Christopher Walken.
Climaxes with fantasy fairy-tale ending scene, featuring John Goodman as Steve Ballmer and Bill Murray as Steve Jobs/Jesus. Soundtrack by Jonathan Coulton.
Jason Statham is HD, locked in a bitter feud with Blue Ray (Jet Li)! Forced to go underground, HD seeks out the reclusive Max (Steven Segal)! Before his training is complete, HD must face his fears, while Max once more comes face-to-face with his own nemesis, who bested him so many years ago: Viddy (Dolph Lundgren)! Script by David Mamet.
Possible sequels? Released straight to UMD and Laserdisc, obv.