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Conan O'Brien's Fatbat is the fear-based alternative to Fitbit

Commentary: It's time for a way to lose weight that truly understands human weakness.

Technically Incorrect offers a slightly twisted take on the tech that's taken over our lives.


A true motivator.

Team Coco screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET

Is technology failing you in your quest to lose weight?

Even though you have a Fitbit or an Apple Watch, does watching your step count really get you to your ideal level of svelte?

Conan O'Brien and his sidekick Andy Richter have the perfect solution for you, one that understands the essence of human nature.

It's called Fatbat and the late-night hosts are sure that it works far better than the Fitbit that's so beloved by many of their coworkers. 

"I just don't think numbers and graphs are the best way to exercise," explains Richter.

So Fatbat delves into the basement of your psyche, the place where fear lurks.

You see, Fatbat consists of a very large man with a baseball bat. Yes, that's it. 

He simply follows you around and injects the fear of all universes into you, so that you will exercise. Or else.

In the true spirit of hard-sell advertising, Richter presents his first Fatbat client as having already lost 24 lbs, using this relatively non-technological, but seemingly effective method.

Astute logicians might notice something of a flaw in the Fatbat design.

Once you begin to become lithe and sprightly, your Fatbat won't be able to keep up with you.

That will only lure you back toward the heinous behaviors that made you gain weight in the first place, creating a vicious cycle. 

Still, who can deny that humans are motivated by fear?

Perhaps just the thought of the large man with the bat will keep you on the straight and narrow. Especially the narrow.

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