Men's underwear claims to protect your private parts from public rays
The makers of Wireless Armour claim they protect the wearer from electromagnetic radiation by meshing pure silver into the pouch area (and, indeed, all around).
Gentlemen, haven't you ever wondered just how close your gadgets are to your particulars?
Hasn't it ever crossed your mind that the latter's deep adjacency to ray-emitting machines might, one way or another, affect their (and your) performance?
You are, at least in this, not alone.
For a British inventor is so aware of this potential danger that he's created underpants that, he says, will protect your groin from groinding to a halt because of all the electromagnetism in its vicinity.
Joseph Perkins says in a YouTube video that he "came across this problem" while teaching physics in Switzerland. Did he have an accident of some kind? Was it the mountain air? Was it a slight humorlessness among his students?
No, it just suddenly came to him how much his laptop, tablet, and phone were exposing him to "huge amounts of radiation."
Perkins decided he would do what all physicists would in such a circumstance: He did some research.
He says he was "shocked" just how much low sperm counts and sperm motility there were all around. And you thought men just don't want to have kids.
There is, Perkins says, enormous evidence that radiation is a contributor. This led him to take the next step a true physicist would: create radiation-blocking men's knickers.
They're called Wireless Armour, and they now have an Indiegogo page, desperate for your contributions.
Wireless Armour's scientific basis is simple: It seeks to create a Faraday cage around your most important beastly areas.
These underpants have silver woven into them, which means you can allegedly enjoy life with less a chastity belt and more a cage of pure potential.
Because of all the silver, any electromagnetism headed toward your nether regions is evenly distributed around your person, rather than rushing toward your gonadal areas.
Perkins says he has given up his underwear for independent testing and the results were that 99.9 percent of radiation was repelled.
His Indiegogo page explains: "This covers the entire range of radiation emitted by wireless devices, from voice and texts through to 4G and Wi-Fi."
Yes, but can this underwear repel a disappearing Snapchat selfie?
There are two versions of Under Armour. The 180 protects just the front. The 360 protects back and front. They're also available in two colors: black and blue.
The silver allegedly makes the undies stronger. And Perkins claims they fight odor and bacteria too.
It might all sound like a washing powder commercial. Or even just a joke. Such a thought might be enhanced by the information that the product's hashtag is #armouryour troops. (In England, "armor" has a "u.")
Still, Perkins' LinkedIn page does confirm that he studied physics at the UK's University of Hertfordshire.
Of course, his isn't the first time that clever people have thought underwear a prime area of scientific development. Last year saw allegedly radiation-proof underwear emerge in Japan (cost, a mere $800). And please don't even get me started on underwear that reduces the smell after you've farted.
I am sure that those of a physics bent will debate whether this latest creation will lay the path toward increasingly efficient creation.
Many will feel, though, that if these underpants can at least keep their promises about making men less odorous and bacteriaful, that'll make for a happier society.