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Enter the 2017 Mini John Cooper Works Clubman, a long name that adds some sporting pretension to all the other, um, pretension.
The gem of the JCW Clubman is its 2.0-liter, turbocharged I4 engine. It puts out 228 horsepower and a meaty 258 pound-feet of torque. Whether mated to a standard six-speed manual or an eight-speed automatic transmission, it'll hit 60 mph in 6.0 seconds, thanks in part to its standard all-wheel drive and launch control.
Of course, it wouldn't be a sporty variant without a bunch of flashy kit telling you as much. To that end, the JCW Clubman rocks a lower (0.4 inches, to be exact) suspension, a dual-outlet sports exhaust and Brembo brakes with four-piston front calipers. The suspension is fixed, but a dynamic damping setup is also available.
That flash continues outside the car with an aerodynamic kit meant to improve cooling for both the engine and brakes. There are also JCW wheels on offer, and the interior features sport seats with integrated headrests. As with all other Mini vehicles, you can customize the living hell out of it, adding on all sorts of aesthetic doo-dads.
The 2017 Mini John Cooper Works Clubman goes on sale this December, just in time for the snowfall. Now you can power your way through some empty-parking-lot donuts without feeling any less fancy.