Apes are crowded around a smooth black plinth. Angry and confused by the alien presence, they attack it with bones and sticks. Then, from nowhere, there's a terrifying noise. The earth, shaking like a leaf, feels like it will open up and swallow everything. Bones are discarded as the confused primates leg it for a safe cave.
You could be mistaken for thinking we were plagiarising the start of the 1968 motion picture 2001: A Space Odyssey. In fact, we're describing exactly what occurred when the monolithic Teufel M 9500 SW subwoofer arrived in the office and we turned the scary thing on. The petrified primates in question were chief sub Nick Hide and mobile expert Andrew Lim.
The M 9500 is part of a 5.1 system aimed squarely at home cinema enthusiasts. System 9 costs around £3,500 and is made up of four M 950 D dipole speakers, a M 950 FCR centre speaker and the M 9500 SW subwoofer.
When we say enthusiasts, we mean it. This sub weighs 68kg and would need a fairly substantial room to house it. Speaking from a SOAF (significant other acceptance factor) perspective, this will rank very low. It can generate a peak of about 1,200W but run at a more consistent 700W most of the time. Your pets will probably hate you for this. Let's face it, fireworks can make them poo in your shoes: this might make them explode.
The surround and centre speakers are also not the sort of thing that will fit into the front room of the average British house either. But then the THX Ultra2 certification means this is aimed at rooms larger than 4m square.
For the best surround effects, the satellite speakers are dipoles, which makes them less likely to create a single 'sweet spot'. Instead, wherever you sit, you should get a great surround field. This is something that's always frustrated us about home cinema setups.
If you're ready to splash the cash, and you don't have any monkeys to worry about, you can get this speaker package direct from Teufel. Be prepared to sell all your furniture and reinforce the surface of the planet before you turn them on.
It's terrifying to look at, and terrifying to hear. We've never seen as many people look as scared as our colleagues did when we turned this sucker on.
Most home-cinema systems we've used would probably fit in this box. This is just the subwoofer.
As we began the unpacking, there were some reluctant looks from those drafted in to help with the heavy lifting.
As we peeled open the layers of boxes, we realised we'd need some sort of winch to unleash the sub. In the end though, it proved easier to sort of tip it out.
No feet were lost in the process, which was a relief.
Rear inputs are plentiful on the sub, so you can pick the method of connection that best suits you.
For our first test, we hooked up an MP3 player to the sub. Something that other CBS Interactive staff didn't thank us for.
A remote is supplied, which helps setting the subwoofer up. It's also got a power button, which came in handy when we realised using the sub might actually tear the earth apart and swallow our building whole.
There's a not-insubstantial heat sink at the rear. Because the sub has a built-in amp, watching an action movie could generate quite a bit of heat.
Manual adjustment of the crossover frequency is possible too, via this innocuous-looking dial.
The centre channel is quite a beast too. In a perfect home cinema, you'd probably mount this behind a specially designed projector screen. You may also notice that the speaker cones are flat.
This bad boy makes up the rest of the speakers. You can have four of these, for front stereo and rear stereo effects. If you want 7.1 sound, you can buy another pair to achieve that.
The dipole arrangement should mean you'll get good surround-sound coverage, no matter where you sit in a room. This is similar to the arrangement used in real cinemas.
Each speaker proudly declares its THX certification. Ultra2 means these speakers are aimed at people with very large rooms, mostly those over 4m square.