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The best Gilfoyle burns on 'Silicon Valley'

Beware of entering the crosshairs of TV's favorite satanic software engineer, Bertram Gilfoyle; he verbally eviscerates coworkers on HBO's hilarious sendup of tech startups.

Lance Cartelli
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1 of 18 HBO

How to insult people like a satanic systems architect

Are you a fan of HBO's "Silicon Valley"? Perhaps you're just a cranky tech person who needs a good laugh from a sick burn. Either way, these quotes from our favorite fictional network engineer are here to help.

"While you were busy minoring in gender studies and singing a cappella at Sarah Lawrence, I was gaining root access to NSA servers. I was one click away from starting a second Iranian revolution."

Season 3 of "Silicon Valley" is released on DVD in the UK on 10 April

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2 of 18 HBO

Mass Effect 3 burn

"He's as pointless as Mass Effect 3's multiple endings. I mean, he's a completely useless appendage, and we all know it."

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3 of 18 HBO

The jacket

"If my mother was naked and dead in the street, I would not cover her body with that jacket."

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4 of 18 HBO

Natural selection

"If you're the CEO of a company, and you're dumb enough to leave your log-in info on a Post-it note on your desk, while the people that you ripped off are physically in your office, it's not a hack. It's barely social engineering.

"It's more like natural selection."

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5 of 18 HBO

Sick hat burn

Dinesh: "Did you see that? She gave me her hat."

Gilfoyle: "Pretend you've seen a woman before."

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6 of 18 HBO

Gilfoyle is not Dinesh

"I tried to make it slow. I really did. But I'm not Dinesh. It's very difficult for me to do sh---- work."

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7 of 18 HBO

On the internet

"The internet -- heard of it? Transfers half a petabyte of data every minute. Do you have any idea how that happens?"

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8 of 18 HBO

Swipe-right burn

Dinesh: "Look who just right-swiped me on Tinder. Karen. She's cute."

Gilfoyle: "Says here that she's looking for a man on the go. You don't 'go' anywhere."

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9 of 18 HBO

IPO burn

"If you worked half as hard on the platform as you do trying to ogle strange Slavic women, maybe our shares would finally be worth something."

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10 of 18 HBO

Princess code

"Why don't you go inside and write some princess code? Leave the hardware up to us servants."

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11 of 18 HBO

'It's not magic, it's talent and sweat'

"All those YouPorn ones and zeroes streaming directly to your sh---- little smartphone day after day, every dipsh-- who sh--- his pants if he can't get the new dubstep Skrillex remix in under 12 seconds? It's not magic, it's talent and sweat."

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12 of 18 HBO

Transfer crack

"No one is cracking our transfer... not some rogue nuclear state, not Sk3wl of R00t. No one."

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13 of 18 HBO

Your shame is my paradise

"Let me put this in terms you'll understand: I'm like a suicide bomber of humiliation. I'm happy to go out as long as I take you with me. Your shame is my paradise."

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14 of 18 HBO

'Minority Report' burn

Dinesh: "This is amazing. I feel like I'm in 'Minority Report.'"

Gilfoyle: "And in reality, you're just a minority."

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15 of 18 HBO

Two-faced burn

Dinesh: "Well, I'm going to leave this room without saying goodbye to you."

Gilfoyle: "I'm sure you can find your way out with one of your two faces."

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16 of 18 HBO

'O.J., for short'

Dinesh: "O.J., for short."

Gilfoyle: "You should be flattered. O.J. Simpson is one of the most recognizable people on the face of the planet."

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17 of 18 HBO

'I couldn't remember your mother's name.​'

Dinesh: "Yeah, I still can't believe you gave the servers a man's name."

Gilfoyle: "Sorry, I couldn't remember your mother's name."

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18 of 18 HBO

Don't mess with his servers

"My servers could handle 10 times the traffic if they weren't busy apologizing for your sh-- codebase."

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