The best Gilfoyle burns on 'Silicon Valley'

Beware of entering the crosshairs of TV's favorite satanic software engineer, Bertram Gilfoyle; he verbally eviscerates coworkers on HBO's hilarious sendup of tech startups.

Lance Cartelli
1 of 18 HBO

How to insult people like a satanic systems architect

Are you a fan of HBO's "Silicon Valley"? Perhaps you're just a cranky tech person who needs a good laugh from a sick burn. Either way, these quotes from our favorite fictional network engineer are here to help.

"While you were busy minoring in gender studies and singing a cappella at Sarah Lawrence, I was gaining root access to NSA servers. I was one click away from starting a second Iranian revolution."

Season 3 of "Silicon Valley" is released on DVD in the UK on 10 April

2 of 18 HBO

Mass Effect 3 burn

"He's as pointless as Mass Effect 3's multiple endings. I mean, he's a completely useless appendage, and we all know it."

3 of 18 HBO

The jacket

"If my mother was naked and dead in the street, I would not cover her body with that jacket."

4 of 18 HBO

Natural selection

"If you're the CEO of a company, and you're dumb enough to leave your log-in info on a Post-it note on your desk, while the people that you ripped off are physically in your office, it's not a hack. It's barely social engineering.

"It's more like natural selection."

5 of 18 HBO

Sick hat burn

Dinesh: "Did you see that? She gave me her hat."

Gilfoyle: "Pretend you've seen a woman before."

6 of 18 HBO

Gilfoyle is not Dinesh

"I tried to make it slow. I really did. But I'm not Dinesh. It's very difficult for me to do sh---- work."

7 of 18 HBO

On the internet

"The internet -- heard of it? Transfers half a petabyte of data every minute. Do you have any idea how that happens?"

8 of 18 HBO

Swipe-right burn

Dinesh: "Look who just right-swiped me on Tinder. Karen. She's cute."

Gilfoyle: "Says here that she's looking for a man on the go. You don't 'go' anywhere."

9 of 18 HBO

IPO burn

"If you worked half as hard on the platform as you do trying to ogle strange Slavic women, maybe our shares would finally be worth something."

10 of 18 HBO

Princess code

"Why don't you go inside and write some princess code? Leave the hardware up to us servants."

11 of 18 HBO

'It's not magic, it's talent and sweat'

"All those YouPorn ones and zeroes streaming directly to your sh---- little smartphone day after day, every dipsh-- who sh--- his pants if he can't get the new dubstep Skrillex remix in under 12 seconds? It's not magic, it's talent and sweat."

12 of 18 HBO

Transfer crack

"No one is cracking our transfer... not some rogue nuclear state, not Sk3wl of R00t. No one."

13 of 18 HBO

Your shame is my paradise

"Let me put this in terms you'll understand: I'm like a suicide bomber of humiliation. I'm happy to go out as long as I take you with me. Your shame is my paradise."

14 of 18 HBO

'Minority Report' burn

Dinesh: "This is amazing. I feel like I'm in 'Minority Report.'"

Gilfoyle: "And in reality, you're just a minority."

15 of 18 HBO

Two-faced burn

Dinesh: "Well, I'm going to leave this room without saying goodbye to you."

Gilfoyle: "I'm sure you can find your way out with one of your two faces."

16 of 18 HBO

'O.J., for short'

Dinesh: "O.J., for short."

Gilfoyle: "You should be flattered. O.J. Simpson is one of the most recognizable people on the face of the planet."

17 of 18 HBO

'I couldn't remember your mother's name.​'

Dinesh: "Yeah, I still can't believe you gave the servers a man's name."

Gilfoyle: "Sorry, I couldn't remember your mother's name."

18 of 18 HBO

Don't mess with his servers

"My servers could handle 10 times the traffic if they weren't busy apologizing for your sh-- codebase."

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