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42 products with insanely funny Amazon reviews

From a horse head mask to a cardboard cutout of Danny DeVito, these weird Amazon products generated a ton of hilarious reviews

Fox Van Allen
Fox Van Allen is a Los Angeles-based writer for CBS Interactive covering technology, tech lifestyle and gaming topics for GameSpot, CNET, ZDNet and TechRepublic. He has previously worked as a news and feature writer for a number of other sites, including Techlicious, Tecca, WoW Insider (Joystiq) and Blizzard Watch. In his spare time, Fox is an amateur skydiver, retro gaming and arcade enthusiast, 8-bit pixel artist, podcaster and Twitch live streamer.
Fox Van Allen
1 of 41 Accoutrements via Amazon

This internet-famous horse head mask

Amazon reviews are a great way to research whether to click that buy button, but they can be entertaining as well. Here are some of the funniest Amazon reviews we've ever seen.

"it is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own," writes Amazon reviewer ByronicHero in a diary-like review of this horse-head mask. "I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways."

2 of 41 Celebrity Cutouts via Amazon

A miniature cardboard cutout of Danny DeVito

"He is a good man," writes Amazon reviewer Jess Jolly. "I am content at night knowing he watches me sleep."

3 of 41 Playmobil via Amazon

This dystopian Playmobil airport security playset

"██ █ ████ everything ███ █████ is █████ ████ ████ fine ████ ███ █ ██████ love. █████ ███████ ███ your █████ ████ government," writes Amazon reviewer Paul Nord.

4 of 41 Wegner via Amazon

This fiendish Swiss army knife

The Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife yields surprising results, ""="">according to an Amazon reviewer who simply identifies as "a fan."

"I tried to file my nails, but in the process I accidentally fixed a small engine that was nearby. Which was nice."

5 of 41 BigMouth Inc. via Amazon

A set of tiny hands

"There aren't enough words to express my gratitude for these tiny hands," says one Amazon reviewer. "They have made me closer with my friends, they have brought me peace of mind, and, most importantly, they have strengthened my relationship with God."

6 of 41 Rubies via Amazon

A 1980s-style cell phone, but make it huge and inflatable

"PROS: Never dropped a call," writes Amazon reviewer Cara. "CONS: It is not big enough. None of the buttons work."

7 of 41 Fokusiert, Cornell Maritime Pr/Tidewater Pub via Amazon

'How to Avoid Huge Ships'

Amazon reviewer icanReadz questions whether this book is teaching the right lessons.

"We shouldn't just be avoiding huge ships. We should be confronting them. If we spend our lives running away, the huge ships win."

8 of 41 Archie McPhee via Amazon

A pair of giant lobster claws for your hands

According to Amazon reviewer Fred McColly, these plastic lobster claws will change your life.

"...the night breeze is cool on my bony armor...I sleep in a tide pool by day protected by vigilant trigger fish..these claws have opened a whole new vista of existence...highly recommended..."

9 of 41 Cashel via Amazon

This saddle for riding on your dad

Before you purchase this saddle for riding on your dad's back -- also known as a "daddle" -- read the following Amazon review from Wandrwoman.

"Please note that this Daddle is Western Style and will not be appropriate for those trained in the English Father Riding Method whereby one holds a rein in each hand and posts the trot. If you are looking forward to father jumping, father fox hunting, father polo or daddy dressage you will not be able to use this Daddle."

10 of 41 RAND Corporation/American Book Publishers via Amazon

This big book of random numbers

This book, A Million Random Digits with 100,000 Normal Deviates, was written by the RAND Corporation in the 1950s to provide "high quality" random numbers for research workers to use. 

One Amazon reviewer warns, however, that the book falls short in delivering a million digits: "They only used 10, and just kept repeating them in different combinations! Don't be fooled!"

11 of 41 Images SI via Amazon

A UFO detector (that probably won't find aliens)

This item has terrible range, warns Amazon reviewer Peter, and is inadequate as an early alien abduction warning system.

"I woke up in the ship as I was being probed. And this stupid product was beeping. It kept beeping the whole time that I was being probed by every single crewman."

12 of 41 Wallmonkeys via Amazon

A wall decal of an asthmatic senior citizen

"At first I wasn't sure if spending money on a sticker of an old lady with an inhaler was a good idea but once I got it I knew I had made the right choice," writes Amazon reviewer Wes about this strange wall decal

"We have so much in common like our love for breathing and other things."

13 of 41 Babymop via Amazon

The perfect way for lazy parents to clean the floor

"My floors have never been cleaner," raves Amazon reviewer Victor G. about this baby-powered cleaning invention. "The only problem is that my child has outgrown the suit and I am having to rent children from the neighborhood to keep the floors clean."

14 of 41 AutoExec via Amazon

A steering-wheel mounted desk for your car

"You wouldn't believe how much more interesting my commute is now that I have something to do other than just stare out the window!" explains Amazon reviewer Michael McCollough in an abbreviated review of this tray. "I'm using it right now to post this review and I never"

15 of 41 Tuscan Dairy Farm via Amazon

A gallon of Tuscan whole milk

This gallon container of Tuscan whole milk has attracted a massive number of joke reviews. In fact, it's become famous for them.

Writes reviewer Andrew Winn: "This milk is EASILY twice as good as Tuscan Half Milk. Save yourself some hassle and just spring for the whole."

16 of 41 Morton Salt via Amazon

A 26-ounce canister of Morton Table Salt

"It's salt that tastes salty and makes food salty as well," writes R.I. in a five-star Amazon review. "Good work, salt."

17 of 41 Overnight Caskets via Amazon

This 'very comfortable' casket that's oh so cozy

Did you know you that Amazon is a great place to buy high-quality caskets?

"Haven't heard a single peep from grandma since she received this," boasts one Amazon reviewer.

18 of 41 IIT via Amazon

This pink hammer for women

Here's what M. Woods has to say in a short four-star review of this claw hammer marketed toward women: "Sexist but good."

19 of 41 Hutzler via Amazon

This banana slicer that's only 50% effective

"We were so excited to get our Hutzler 571," writes Amazon reviewer Emily S, "until we realized that our bananas curved the wrong way. Gonna have to go to the store for new bananas... 🍌🍌🍌"

20 of 41 Christie Sims via Amazon

This book of dinosaur erotica

Amazon reviewer HP explains the lure of this weird Kindle book: "I bought this because I wanted to see how the sex would work between a giant lizard and a human sized female."

"It works, just as you might imagine it'd work."

21 of 41 Chronicle Books via Amazon

Dancing with Cats: The book

"My cat was never a dancer," laments Kristi in a Amazon review of this odd book about cat dancing. "I read this book to my cat every night for one year. She cried through most of it. She still won't dance with me."

22 of 41 custom pillow case via Amazon

This alluring pillowcase featuring Nic Cage

"The pure sexiness of this man's picture on your pillow will inspire you," writes Karadactyl26 in a glowing Amazon review. "Go on, you deserve it. The seduction is calling to you."

23 of 41 By The Cup via Amazon

An 8-pound bag of cereal marshmallows

"It all started when the bags were emptied on the kitchen table," one Amazon reviewer writes. "I was naive, I saw no problems -- it's just a bunch of marshmallows, right?"

But weeks later, the reviewer's marshmallow gift had turned into a curse for its recipient: "I found him in a house on the wrong side of town with some unsavory characters who had been following him and 'the medicine bag' around the sugar scene for the last few weeks."

24 of 41 EZ Drinker via Amazon

This classic piece of headwear for beer enthusiasts

"No classier helmet," raves Amazon reviewer cAznable. "My hands are free, whilst my alcohol consumption increases. 11/10 - would buy again."

25 of 41 Quirk Books via Amazon

A Crafting with Cat Hair book

"I purchased this book as I was tired of people sitting too near me on public transport," says one Amazon reviewer. "Worked like a charm."

26 of 41 Deerbusters via Amazon

This quart-sized jug of wolf urine

"Does not taste good AT ALL," writes angry Amazon reviewer Nico. "Very bitter taste!"

27 of 41 Archie McPhee via Amazon

Just a weird squirrel hand puppet

"Great product," writes Amazon reviewer Brian the Bryan, "but did not come with an HDMI cable."

28 of 41 Accoutrements via Amazon

Emergency toast that you inflate yourself

"Best inflatable toast on the market today," raves Amazon reviewer PositiveLastAction. "If you are like me and can't be without a high-quality inflatable toast, THIS is the one for you!"

29 of 41 PDX Pet Design via Amazon

The Licki, a tongue-shaped cat brush

"Obviously, the cat was on my property, and I can lick anything that I want on my property," says Mavin Johnson in a somewhat unhinged Amazon review of this mouth-held cat brush. "Plus, I am using protection, as this silicone barrier prevents the spread of disease."

30 of 41 Rasta Imposta via Amazon

This simple pancake costume

"Sometimes I wear it just to remind myself that I can be whatever I want to be, even if I want to be a stack of pancakes," writes one Amazon reviewer.

But be warned: "Butter looks real, do not bite, does not taste like butter."

31 of 41 Giant Gummy Bears via Amazon

A giant gummy 'party python'

More than just a 26-pound snack, this gummy snake will become part of your family, writes Amazon reviewer browning. "I can happily report that the Monty and I are doing quite well. We share a gummy rat each week and his shine is back. I have placed several heat lamps in his play area to keep him warm and supple."

32 of 41 Bristol Novelty via Amazon

A giant penguin mask

Writes Amazon reviewer Big Gay: "I wear this mask to sing lullabies to my children. They are terrified of the mask."

"Whenever they protest about their bedtime, or ask for too many sweets, I whip on the mask, and they soon know who is King Penguin."

33 of 41 Lubber via Amazon

This latex rooster mask

Dave Reed explains in his Amazon review why, exactly, you should buy a large latex rooster mask.

"When I received this my wife was at work. I waited until she was getting ready for work the next morning and put it on with my face right in front of hers while she was blow drying her hair with her eyes closed. When she opened them and saw me she screamed like I've never heard her scream and punched me in the arm. Hard. So yeah, it's a great quality mask."

34 of 41 Albanese via Amazon

These sugar-free gummi bears that might cause severe intestinal distress

"I ate six of these things to aid along in digestion," writes Amazon reviewer Erin. "The good news is my digestive system is back on track. The bad news is I will never eat another gummy bear and may have flushed part of my soul down the toilet."

35 of 41 Death Wish Coffee Co. via Amazon

☠️ Death Wish coffee ☠️

"I should have read the reviews first," writes one disappointed customer in an epic Amazon review, "because this coffee doesn't actually end your life."

36 of 41 Karen Katz via Amazon

A children's book that needs a spoiler warning

"There is no conflict, there is no character development, and there is scarcely any plot," warns Amazon reviewer PacMan about the book Where Is Baby's Belly Button?

"Whoever wrote this book must have a serious error in judgement, because you would have to be an infant to not immediately understand where Baby's belly button is."

37 of 41 The Mountain via Amazon

The infamous Three Wolf Moon shirt

"Once I apply the magical wolves fabric to my chest, my mullet grew like Odin's beard, my rusted T-top Firebird turned sweet candy apple red and my White Snake tape started playing its body moving melodies once again," writes Amazon reviewer Scott. "God, life is good!"

38 of 41 Images SI via Amazon

Just a chunk of actual, radioactive uranium

"I got a free cat in the box with this purchase," explains Ellya, "but I'm not sure if I should open it to see if the cat is OK."

39 of 41 Crown Sporting Goods via Amazon

This stainless steel whistle

40 of 41 Poop Like A Champion via Amazon

This cereal that claims you'll 'Poop Like a Champion'

This high-fiber cereal should be eaten in small doses, says Amazon reviewer Jan O.: "I remember thinking, 'So this is how I'm going to die. In a Walmart restroom.'"

41 of 41 Giftable Invisibles! via Amazon

A can filled with top quality Wi-Fi

When Amazon asked Rick to describe the flavor of this item in a review, this was the response: "It tastes aluminum (sic), salt from my friends tears, and adhesive. The Wi-Fi inside tasted of distilled energy wavelengths and produced a radiological flavor profile that was quite satisfying."

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