It's like your stuff. Only way better.
For every ordinary thing you own, there's an obnoxiously expensive billionaire's version of it out there. Ultrafancy computers built with gold. Hyperexpensive toilets that warm wealthy butts. There are even programmable showers that boast your choice of specially scented "shower scenarios."
Don't believe me? Well then, click on, my skeptical friend -- and take a look at how the absurdly rich truly live.
Happy Plugs 18K gold earbuds ($14,500)
It may be the most absurd upgrade over the stock Apple earbuds possible: Swedish design company Happy Plugs has created a pair of earbuds made with 25 grams of 18-carat solid gold.
Each pair takes five weeks to make by hand, and the price tag reflects it -- you'll need to drop $14,500 to get your hands on these ultrapremium headphones.
24K gold PlayStation 4 controller ($299)
Ladies and gentlemen: This is what a $299 Sony DualShock 4 game pad looks like.
Tech painting company ColorWare's Sony DualShock 4 24K is a full-featured controller that's been finished with 24-karat-gold plating. Only 25 of these premium controllers were made.
Vertu Bentley Signature Touch phone ($14,000)
The Apple iPhone may be an expensive device, but it's not exclusive to the ultrarich the way this made-to-order Signature Touch for Bentley Android phone is.
The internals of the phone are decent -- it runs 5.1 Lollipop, has a 21-megapixel camera capable of 4K video, and has a 5.2-inch sapphire screen -- but it's the exterior embellishments and bonus features that run up the price. When you add in the beluga black and hotspur red Bentley Leather, polished titanium detailing, side key knurling, 18 months' worth of access to a concierge and a "personal lifestyle manager," this phone's price jumps to $14,000.
See CNET's earlier coverage when we saw the Vertu for Bentley for the first time.
Toto Neorest 750H toilet ($10,000)
At roughly $10,000 a pop, the Toto Neorest 750H is one of the most expensive toilets in the world. It comes with all the bells and whistles: a warm-water cleanse, warm-air dryer, heated seat, integrated light, and an in-bowl catalytic deodorizer.
It is the ultimate in bowel-movement-related luxury.
Red Tibetan Mastiff ($1.5 million)
Some dog breeds are worth more than others, but few can stand paw-to-paw with the Red Tibetan Mastiff. A few years ago, a businessman from China spent $1.5 million to buy a purebred Red Tibetan Mastiff named Big Splash.
If you're shopping for a Red Tibetan Mastiff of your own, the good news is that prices have come down significantly. These days you can buy one for merely thousands of dollars, rather than millions. Just be sure you have plenty of room at home first -- Red Tibetan Mastiffs are massive dogs.
Gold 27-inch iMac 5K ($14,400)
As if Apple computers weren't expensive enough already, GoldGenie offers a 27-inch iMac 5K with a hand-crafted, 24-karat-gold enclosure for £9,997 ($14,400).
Marble MacBook Pro ($7,500)
Want a one-of-a-kind Mac that's a little bit more portable? ColorWare has also created this 15-inch MacBook Pro Retina using a specialized art application that looks and feels as if the entire device was carved from stone.
The price for this luxury: $7,500.
Sensory Sky shower ($35,000)
German company Dornbracht may have created the most high-tech -- and expensive -- digital shower in the world.
The $32,000 Sensory Sky offers "three preprogrammed shower scenarios," which include a light show, multiple water outlets (each with its own changeable temperatures), and a perfumed scent component.
Cambusa refrigerator ($41,000)
The Cambusa from Meneghini Arredamenti looks like an incredibly expensive piece of furniture. Until...
Inside the Cambusa
The Cambusa opens up to reveal a full-service food storage solution, including a pantry, refrigerated compartment, coffee maker, and ice bin -- some of which you can view through the appliance's portholes.
Putting one of these in your own kitchen will set you back just over $40,000.
Coverbee Diamond Laptop Sleeve ($11 million)
Want to show off? Like, really show off? We're hard-pressed to find a more shameful way to flaunt your riches than to purchase an $11 million laptop sleeve to protect a $2,500 Macbook Pro.
It's the diamonds that make this one so expensive -- each CoverBee diamond laptop sleeve has more than 8,800 round cut diamonds, while the opening is Russian black sable fur.
Glamburger hamburger ($1,580)
Feeling hungry? Why not head to Honky Tonk, an American-style restaurant in London, and order their world-famous Glamburger?
The elevated hamburger, which sells for £1,100 ($1,580), uses a slew of top-tier ingredients: Iranian saffron, beluga caviar, white truffle, matcha tea, Canadian lobster, gold leaf, black truffle brie, New Zealand venison, and kobe beef.
Chef Chris Large says the creation tastes great. We can't get approval to put a $1,580 burger on our expense account, though, so we'll just take his word for it.
Neiman Marcus chicken coop ($100,000)
I cannot conceive of a more opulent way to farm than this, Neiman Marcus's Beau Coop.
It is a chicken coop that costs $100,000. Let that sink in for a moment. One-hundred-thousand-damn dollars.
The ultimate in hen luxury
Best suited for a sprawling farm estate on Connecticut's gold coast, the multilevel "Versailles-inspired Le Petit Trianon" coop offers a living room, library with books (seriously), and a chandelier.
It's all gonna look real nice when your birds start defecating all over it.
Grand Palais 180 stove ($57,000)
Anyone who's shopped for kitchen appliances lately knows that a good stove can be expensive. The Grand Palais 180 stove from La Cornue takes expensive to the next level -- the base model of this (admittedly gorgeous) kitchen appliance starts around $57,000.
Electrolux Molteni stove ($100,000)
What's that, you say? A $50,000 range isn't luxurious enough? Truly discriminating billionaires would do well to try the Electrolux Molteni stove. Each one is hand-built by craftsmen in France and designed to be the centerpiece of your kitchen.
Electrolux says their Molteni will last a lifetime. It damn well better, given its $100,000-plus price tag.
Solid gold hoverboard ($390,000)
I think I've found it -- the most absurdly extravagant investment you'll ever make into a fad.
Luxury designer Alexander Amosu has created a $390,000 hoverboard custom-made with 13,888 grams of pure gold. The design took two-and-a-half months to create, and is built on top of a Solowheel Hovertrax board.
The most expensive Rubik's Cube ever ($2.5 million)
Well...maybe I spoke too soon about that solid-gold hoverboard being the most-expensive investment you could make into a fad.
This Rubik's Cube, created by Fred Cuellar of Diamond Cutters International to celebrate the puzzle's 15th anniversary, contains 185 carats of precious gems. It is valued at more than $2.5 million.
Happy Hacking Keyboard ($4,800-plus)
CNET has seen its share of expensive mechanical keyboards, but none quite compare with the sheer...expensiveness...of the Happy Hacking Keyboard Professional HP Japan from Fujitsu. Each unlabeled key of this clicky beauty is hand lacquered 10 times before being dusted with gold.
The keyboard had an original price tag of 525,000¥ ($4,800) when it was released as a special edition back in 2006.
Fulgor Nocturnus pen ($8 million)
For ideas that are too expensive for an ordinary pen, there's this -- the bejeweled Fulgor Nocturnus, from Italian maker Tibaldi.
With 25.07 carats of black diamonds, 1.70 carats of rubies, and 47.6 grams of 18K gold, this $8 million pen holds the distinction of being the most valuable writing instrument in the world.
Dualit 24K toaster ($1,440)
A common theme of this gallery seems to be that rich people will cover just about anything in gold, no matter how ridiculous. Which is exactly how we wound up with this, a 24-karat-gold-plated toaster from Dualit.
This hand-assembled "special edition toaster" sold for $1,440 at U.K. retailer Selfridges -- which works out to about $360 per toasting slot.
Azature Black Diamond nail polish ($250,000)
Azature Black Diamond nail polish won't make your fingers look like a million bucks, but it will make you look like a quarter of that. Because that's exactly what this stuff costs: $250,000 a bottle.
One bottle of the self-proclaimed "most expensive nail polish in the world" contains 267 carats of black diamonds.
Damascene straight edge razor ($30,000)
The Damascene straight edge razor by Hommage, at $30,000, is one of the most expensive grooming devices ever created.
Why so expensive? This platinum-sheathed straight edge is made using the same layering technique used to create the Crusaders' swords, with each hand-forged with 128 layers of Damascene steel.
Savoir No. 1 Mattress ($75,000+)
Does a more expensive mattress make for a better night's sleep? If so, the Savoir No. 1 mattress is the apex of nighttime comfort -- this $75,000 mattress is one of the most expensive you can buy anywhere.
You'll need to cut one open to see why they're so expensive, or...
This is how a $75,000 mattress is made
Savoir mattresses are so spendy because each is hand made -- and it takes 120 hours' worth of labor to create each one.
You'll find nothing but the best all-natural materials inside. Each Savoir No. 1 is stuffed with loose horse hair and carded lamb's wool; the exterior is covered in luxurious cashmere.
Elektra Belle Epoque espresso machine ($18,000)
If you're going to serve up coffee, you may as well serve it up in the best. Or, at least, in the most expensive -- like this exquisite Elektra Belle Epoque espresso machine.
This $18,000-plus machine goes well beyond the expected, offering a cup-warming service, brew pressure gauges, a multidirectional steam wand, and a beautiful copper or chrome finish.
Kalamazoo K1000HS Hybrid grill ($25,000-plus)
It'll be nothing but the finest hot dogs for you and your backyard buds with the K1000HS Hybrid Freestanding Grill from Kalamazoo Outdoor Gourmet -- Forbes called the $25,000-plus beast the Rolls Royce of backyard grills.
It's not hard to see why -- this 179,800 BTU high-tech marvel allows you to interchangeably use charcoal, wood or propane while grilling. With 1,012 square inches of grilling area, the K1000HS gives your food the perfect cookout flavor with minimal prep time.
Prima Cinema System ($35,000)
If you want to create the ultimate billionaire's home-theater room, you're going to need some quality movies -- the exact same quality movies currently running in public theaters. That's the lure of the Prima Cinema System -- the 1080p24 home theater player is the only one that allows you to watch new releases in the comfort of your own compound.
The privilege doesn't come cheap, though: You'll need to drop $35,000 on the player itself, and another $500 per movie you wind up watching.