Acer Aspire 3935, 5935 and 8935: Smut. Pure, unmitigated smut

"Don't open your eyes, not yet. Let your fingertips explore the world of emotions inspired by the new Acer Aspire 8935 and 5935 notebooks..." Now we're not usually in the business of quoting press releases, but the work of literary genius accompanying Acer's 3935, 5935 and 8935 laptops is an absolute corker.

"Caress the curved lines of the smooth polished cover that will accompany you to the discovery of the boundless display, devoid of a frame right down to the hinges. Hence the polished texture of the casing's surface that slides down to the gentle rippling of the console where wrists and palms find secure resting, with fingers ready to rebound on the shiny floating keypad. Typing has never been so comfortable." It's as though someone's fired up find 'n' replace on a Mills and Boon novel, substituting words such as 'display', 'keypad' and 'typing' for 'quivering', 'haunches' and 'ladygarden'.

"Fingers will then find their place on the middle console, where with a light touch they have total control of the world of colours and sounds created by the Aspire 8935 and 5935." I say, that's quite enough of that. Pull yourself together, Cravers, take a cold shower if necessary, or simply let the prospect of even more Acer computers dampen your ardour. First up is the Aspire 3935, a 13.3-inch ultra-portable. It has a multi-gesture touchpad, in a frame coloured a glistening golden-brown, fingertips brushing against keys with a pearl gloss...

Oi! You're doing it again! To take your mind off that sort of smut, think chaste thoughts about the 3935's Wi-Fi connection with Acer SignalUp, or the power-saving SmartPower button. The 3935 can be bought with an eight-cell battery, which will keep it pumping for up to 8 hours...

Steady on! Anyway, the 3935 packs an Intel Core 2 Duo processor and Mobile Intel GM45 Express chipset with integrated 3D graphics. The no-frills basic model can be specced out with an optical drive, hard disk or solid-state memory. 3G is also optional.

Moving on, we find the 5935 and 8935. Both offer up to 4GB of DDR3 memory. For movie buffs and audiophiles they include 5.1-channel surround sound, and the magnificently named Tuba CineBass amplifier.

Both include 802.11b/g/draft-n Wi-Fi and SignalUp with Nplify, Bluetooth and Gigabit LAN. If all this has you a little hot and bothered, click through the pictures for more.