On VD

"From Venus? Then you're Venusian. But the proper term is venereal. Unfortunately doctors nabbed it before astrophysicists did."

-- Feb. 14 2016

On parcel post

A bit disappointed that the corrugated shipping box hasn't changed in over a century. Maybe what I really want is wormhole-shipping. Buy something online. A 4D portal opens and a person hands you the product.

-- Feb. 20, 2016

On flat-Earthers

"I hear that the flat-Earth movement may be gaining momentum all around the globe."

-- Feb. 20, 2016

On Pluto's demotion to planetoid status

"Earth's moon is five times more massive than Pluto. Get over it."

-- July 12, 2015

On social graces

"You should all know by now that if you accuse me of being a Nerd or a Geek, I'll simply take it as a compliment and move on."

-- Feb. 8, 2015

On alien demands

"Would be cool if space aliens landed on Earth and instead asked, 'Take me to your common people!'"

-- Feb. 10, 2015

On climate change

A visual tweet from July 2015.

On ancient astronauts

"Just because you can't figure out how ancient civilizations built stuff, doesn't mean they got help from aliens."

-- Dec. 5, 2014

On the scent of hydrogen

"I love the smell of the Universe -- in the evening."

-- Jan. 30 2015

On bottom feeders

"If Picasso were reincarnated I wonder if he'd return as a flounder, or other fish with both eyes on the same side of its head."

-- Oct. 9, 2014

On the other savior

"Dec 25: On this day long ago, a child was born who, by age 30, would transform the world. Happy Birthday Isaac Newton b. Dec 25, 1642"

-- Dec. 25 2014

On nothing at all

"And no denying it. The zero is badass: Arabic Numerals: 0. Roman Numerals: <does not exist>."

-- Feb. 1, 2015

On shark teeth

"I wonder if sharks feel sorry for humans because we get only two sets of teeth, rather than unlimited."

-- Feb. 1 2015

On the next generation

"Always liked Dawn as a name, evoking the start of Day. But we're overdue for people to be named Dusk, the start of Night."

-- Dec. 18, 2014

On produce

"When I shop for fruit & melons I like to hold a grape next to a cantaloupe & think of Earth next to Jupiter. Then I eat Earth."

-- Feb. 21, 2014

On immigration reform

"I wonder what passports & immigration & border patrols look like to real aliens -- the kind from space. Might they ask, WTF?"

-- Feb. 5 2015

On zombies

"Occasionally I wonder what a football game would be like if played by Zombies. Would be slower, but oh so much more violent."

-- Feb. 1 2015

On the New Testament

"Some claim the USA is a Christian nation, compelling me to wonder which assault rifle Jesus would choose: the AR-15 or AK-47."

-- Sept. 7, 2014

On health after death

"Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens."

-- Aug. 3 2014

On the science of horror

"Wouldn't it be cool if zombies & vampires became human if we bit them first? Somebody needs to test that hypothesis."

-- Jan. 5, 2015

On ancient history

"#WhenIWasYourAge: Before Xerox copiers, we all got high in elementary school by smelling mimeograph ink."

-- Nov. 28, 2014