World desires Apple more than animals, Microsoft

Please lie down. I want you to tell me about what you truly desire. No, truly, deeply and with all your internal insanities exposed.

Would it be peace? Would it be that all animals and people should be saved and cared for? Or would it be a brand new, shiny (and preferably free) iPhone 5?

This plunge into the human psyche has been caused by a new survey, courtesy of Clear. Clear isn't, in fact, something that helps with acne, but a vital part of ad agency M&C Saatchi. (Yes, that C. Saatchi. The one who's married to the charming TV chef, Nigella Lawson.)

Clear surveyed 17,000 people from Singapore, China, the U.K., the U.S., Germany, and North Korea. Oh, wait, they couldn't get through to North Korea. Anyway, they asked these people which brands they desired most.

You will feel tortured into unresponsiveness when I tell you that Apple is the most desirable brand in the world. Google allegedly slips in there at number two (with, no doubt, many votes from China), ahead of BMW, Disney, Gucci, Microsoft, and IKEA--to name just some of the top 15.

For some, though, it may not be the presence of desired objects that moves them to consider humanity's direction. It may be the presence of guilt.

Taking the survey's world as a whole, the respondents mustered such affection for the World Wildlife Fund that the brand managed to creep above such animals of aspiration as Rolex, Mercedes, Gucci and Cartier to take fourth place in this pantheon of passion.

Yes, people are more desperate for animals to be saved than for a C-Class to appear in their driveway. However, they still crave an iPhone 5 or a 325i (BMW was third) just a little more.

The U.K. seems doubly ravaged by its need to appear caring. For not only was one of everyone's most desired brands, Fairtrade, elevated to number 9, but just above it in the eighth spot was the Red Cross.

This might, of course, be a slightly selfish reflection of some impending doom felt deeply by the Brits. But there is still something touching to think that they might desire the Red Cross more than an Aston Martin or, gosh, Google.

I am confident that this fine piece of intuitive craftsmanship will make everyone consider whether their desires are at one with their essential being.

I feel that there will be a considerable upsurge of people who will, almost immediately, be picking up their iPhones to make a donation to their most desired charity.

By the end of today, hundreds of small animals and people will have been saved around the world. Which will make this research entirely worthwhile.