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Why the Grumpy Cat movie is a bad idea

Grumpy Cat has been signed to a movie deal, and Crave writer Amanda Kooser is feeling pretty grouchy about the prospect.

Grumpy Cat meme
Grumpy Cat is going Hollywood.

I don't mean to sound all grumpy, but now that the news of Grumpy Cat getting a movie deal has sunk in, I'm feeling pretty frowny about the Internet-famous cat's future in Hollywood.

Don't get me wrong. I have serious love for Grumpy Cat. The three-Grumpy-Cat-moon image is the background on my iPad. I very nearly bought that hideous Grumpy Cat belt at Hot Topic. I might still buy it.

Let's just say the announcement of producer Todd Garner and his company aiming for a "Garfield"-style feature film about the feline doesn't inspire a lot of confidence in me. After all, he was the man behind Adam Sandler's 2011 flop "Jack and Jill." What, was Martin Scorsese not available, or just not interested?

This whole Grumpy Cat-goes-to-Hollywood road is not all paved in Fancy Feast and catnip mice. Let's look at the history of Internet memes that have become successful movies. Just give me a moment, I'm still trying to think of one. Fine, I give up.

The one piece of this news that most worries me is the plan to give Grumpy Cat the power of human speech. We know Bill Murray won't be in the running for this role, so who does that leave? Please, Mr. Garner, for the love all that is good in this world, don't hire Adam Sandler to voice Grumpy Cat. I might be OK with James Earl Jones, however.

What we have right now with Grumpy Cat is a perfectly good meme that's brought joy and delight to so many fans. It's had more staying power than most, thanks to the epic levels of cuteness involved and some determined work by her owners and talent agent to keep her in the spotlight. After all, not every meme earns its own belt at Hot Topic.

The problem with a Grumpy Cat movie is that it's too much. Who's going to play Grumpy Cat? Herself? A CGI creation? Harrison Ford? It would take a miracle for this film to be even a half-decent attempt at quality entertainment.

I can see this squeezing every last drop of fame out of what was once a thoroughly enjoyable online phenomenon. Grumpy Cat already rules the Internet, but Hollywood may very well eat her alive with a side of tartar sauce. Let's just leave the sweet little critter alone and let her nap in peace.

Since this movie will probably get made whether I like it or not, I do have a few suggestions that should make it more palatable. First, hire Vin Diesel to star opposite Grumpy Cat (Garner also produced "xXx."). Second, make it an action movie instead of a family comedy. Third, hire Joss Whedon to direct. There, I fixed it for you.