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What will Microsoft call its new, um, iPad?

Rumor has it that Redmond is about to launch its very own tablet. Could it be an mPad? A SoftPad? The possibilities are surely exciting.

This is a Lenovo Windows 8 Tablet. CNET Asia

The last time I was this excited was when Kim Kardashian announced that she was dating Kanye.

Yes, robust rumors are dribbling that Microsoft is to launch its own tablet on Monday.

Many will, of course, be entirely immersed in speculation -- a noun derived from the word "spec." Will it be Windows 8? Will it have lovely tiles all over it? Will it have more GBs than Great Britain?

I cannot stoop to such talk. For me, the most important thing is the name. I want to know what I might have to live with.

Convention will, no doubt, have forced Microsoft into cobbling together parts of its own name with a generic category indicator.

So the choices hover between the mPad, the SoftPad, the SoftTab, the MicroPad -- or any permutation of those bits. Somehow, though, these all don't smack of revolution. And Microsoft making its own iPad would be a revolution.

Let's try, then, to imagine what the company and its advisers in bamboo green polo shirts and very tight trousers might have suggested.

"The ZunePad!" one must have piped up, before an icy stare turned him the same color as his shirt.

Someone else perhaps offered that the word "Redmond" might be useful here. The RedPad, anyone?

"How about dispensing with all this "Pad" and "Tab" nonsense?" an exciting voice shrieked. "How about using the back end of 'Redmond'? How about the Mondo?"

Then another bamboo shirt reminded him that Mondo was the chap who won "Project Runway All-Stars."

This naming thing just isn't so easy when you don't have a convention to fall back on like Apple. Cupertino just sticks an 'i" or a "Mac" in front of things and off they all go to lunch.

No doubt one clever adviser suggested sucking up to Microsoft's chieftains. "The BallPad," I can hear him saying. "No, you mean the BillPad," his boss corrected him.

And so they drifted from the Tabune to the WindowPad, from the GatewayPad to the Tabulator, from the PanePad to the Tabuleight.

For one moment, they considered merging the idea of Windows 8 with the current CEO's name. The answer? The 8 Ball.

Finding the perfect name is simply painful, sometimes. I guess that's how we got Vista. Or didn't.