This post will have no Tiger Woods jokes.
Tiger Woods has a serious problem. And there is absolutely no reason to encourage cheap laughter just because of an astonishing new iPhone app that makes it easier for you to cheat on your spouse, offer heinously regrettable insults, or employ a hitman--all without worrying that your texts will betray your true self.
So this app is called TigerText. So what? I am sure the golfer's deep and troubling recent past did not enter into the creators' heads when they named this ingenious little technological concoction.
TigerText, you see, erases your texts. It makes them go away. It makes them disappear like the midriff of a magician's assistant. What is so beautiful is that not only do your texts disappear from your own phone records, they also vamoose from the phone of your unfortunate recipient.
You can even decide when they vamoose. After a minute. Or, if you are fond of self-torture, after any time period up to 30 days.
This concept seems brilliant on so many levels that my vast and excited arms cannot embrace all of these levels simultaneously.
I am sure you, too, sometimes send texts that you would dearly love to take back. You liken your boss, your lover, or your chiropodist to some human orifice or dubious sexual practice. You allow your fingers to work slightly ahead of your editing skills. Suddenly, words that don't reflect your true, kind, thoughtful self, wing their way across 3G until they stir up emotions in 3D.
You hate yourself. You hate those who will make emotional, or even financial, capital out of your decapitated misjudgment even more.
However, TigerText transmits your texts via its own server, which gives it the power, once you have paid your $2.49 of protection money every month (yes! For unlimited texting!), to send your text into an ether from which it can never, ever return.
I know you'll be thinking there must be a catch. Well, the person to whom you're sending the text also has to enjoy TigerText protection. But who would not consider downgrading the cost of their daily latte in return for eliminating the cost of their daily lapses in self-expression?
Currently, TigerText is only available for the iPhone (BlackBerry and Android versions are coming soon). This vast, delightful mallet for the cause of personal privacy and second chances almost makes me want to rush to Apple.com and purchase an iPhone this very minute.
The thing is, though, I've never gotten the hang of texting on the iPhone. I keep misspelling words as "shot," "bustard," and "wander." Is there an app that might make the keys a little bigger?