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This week in imminent doom at the hands of cyborg animals

Real remote-controlled pigeons, monkeys with mind powers, cats with bionic eyes, and what you can do to stop them all.

What the hell is going on these days? Seriously.

All of a sudden, scientists have created living remote-control pigeons, monkeys that can control huge robotic arms using only their brains, and cats that are getting pimped-out bionic eyeballs. And then there's that gaming helmet that can read your mind. It's awesome, but it's also creepier than 70 clown Draculas.

He Yi/ChinaFotoPress

Here is what I'm talking about, yo.

  • Real-life pigeon cyborgs: Simply by placing a bunch of electrodes and red wires in a pigeon's brain, scientists at the Robot Research Center at the Shandong University of Science and Technology in China have created a remote-controlled flying rat. By stimulating different areas of the pigeon's brain, the scientists can make the bird take off, fly forward, turn left or right, or hover. The ability to fly backward is still limited to robo-hummingbirds.
  • Don't look at us, monkey. We can't believe it, either.

  • Monkey controls robot arm with mind powers: This development is actually a few years old, but a video "re-enactment" was recently found on YouTube. Researchers trained a monkey to feed itself grapes...using only the power of its mind and a big robotic arm. It's only a matter of time before the monkey uses his robot arm to smash the scientists out of spite. Monkey want banana, not grape.
  • Cats with bionic vision: Meanwhile, in Missouri, Optobionics chip implants are being used to treat retinal problems in a cat named Gingersnap. The chips create artificial sight by sending signals from thousands of microphotodiodes to the optic nerve. The bionic eyes have also been successfully tested on humans and Michael Jackson.

All kidding aside, these developments could mean amazing things in the world of prosthetics and the physically challenged. But the following scenario is also logical, if not probable:

(1) Monkey uses robot arm and (2) modded Atari 2600 joystick to (3) fly pigeon, who then (4) drops radioactive waste on your house while (5) a cat simultaneously shoots your home with eye lasers. In other words, we're all screwed.

Luckily, thanks to the following technologies, the human race is well equipped to handle the imminent cyborg beast attacks.

Get a load of those robo-gams!

Plan A: Fight back: One of the most popular ways to stave off a monkey-controlled robot arm is to kick the monkey in the face with a robot leg. Straight from the runways of Fashion Week in Paris come these fabulous Balenciaga robot pantaloons. However, if the human race is to be saved, the robot pants will need to be available in larger sizes. Most 80-pound runway models would be overpowered by a rhesus monkey, even one without a mind-controlled robot arm.

Plan B: Run away: Robot legs come in handy here as well, but you'll also need a pair of fashionable and futuristic running shoes. Two pairs of kicks are up for the task here: the glow-in-the-dark Reebok Court Victory Glows get all Tron up in here, and Nike's Transformer-branded shoes will transform your feet into those of a cheetah.

It's on like Discs of Tron. New

Plan C: Numb yourself to the pain: Nothing takes the edge off a bionic cat-eye attack like a fridge full of beer. Thanks to this robotic beer-launching refrigerator, you won't need to leave the couch to drown your fear in liquid gold. If you're too hard-core for beer, the USB Absinthe Spoon should do the trick. Listen to Pink Floyd during the attack to make the eye lasers look even more awesome.

That about covers this week. By next week, someone will have found a way to travel through time, and I'll have found a way to complain about it.