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The five companies that should be at TechCrunch50

There are five companies that have been heinously ignored by the TechCrunch50 selection committee.

I am sure there will be those who are excited to the point of valiumity at the vast array of startups vying for the attention of frightfully important people at TechCrunch50.

However, being the champion of the disgruntled, I would like to tell you about the five companies who should have been there, but were rejected due to reasons that might be best described as extremely bloody suspect.

1. Such a nifty idea, this. You register with and they create truly realistic emails to persuade people you know to give you money. For example, the company says: "We can contact your bank manager and pretend we're that girl he met in the Bahamas last fall. We explain our sudden need of funds using access to real events that will have occurred between the bank manager and the girl." claims to have deep and lasting links with private detective agencies, major multinational corporations and, significantly, most hotel chains. Hotels, they claim, are where 75% of all blackmailable events occur in America.

2. This company has an excellent idea and a truly green business plan. Founded by two former Wall Street bankers, recognizes that many geeks sit at their computers for too long. They begin to lose their concentration, causing excess saliva to develop in their mouths. This excess saliva, having insufficient room, what will all the chewing gum in there, begins to slide down their faces. asks all geeks to collect even the smallest amounts of this slobber in vials that you can order online. representatives then arrive at your place of work on Segways, collect the vials and take them to various medical research establishments across America. The slobber analysts will spend their time in trying to replicate the precise DNA of America's finest geeks. With a view to, at last, creating a geek who can run for President.

One of the five company founders, covering up his strategy. CC Orangeacid

3. How this one didn't get in, I just don't know. is so human and yet so pure. Created specifically for those who have had their online ID infiltrated, this company promises to be able to trace those who have perpetrated the crime and do it right back to them. With no trace of evidence coming back to you. According to the's website: "It's just like when your lover tells you he's cheating on you and you tell him you know, you've been cheating on him yourself." The company gives you daily updates on just how much pain your infiltrator is experiencing, with a promise of recorded telephone calls to their bank, their credit card company, their cellphone company and their online provider of sexual assistance services.

4. A fascinating concept. And one directed solely at corporations. says it helps companies identify who has been a disloyal customer. So, for example, you're Starbucks and you rely on someone ordering grande, non-fat, extra-hot latte for the whole of their lives. One day, you don't see them and suspect that they have started patronizing Peet's. Or, perish the concept, Dunkin' Donuts. Well, employs lots of redundant Google Street View drivers, cars and cameras (I mean, really, how many times can you photograph America?) and follows individuals as they go about their daily lives. It reports back to corporations, who are then free to sanction these customers as they see fit. In the example given, full-fat, stale milk would be a fine punishment. For a first offense.

Finally, my favorite.

5. YouTotal****.com. Some readers may find the concept a little edgy. However, I think it is quite brilliant. YouTotal****.com is for viewers of live television. If you have your laptop handy and you are watching, say, live sport, you can go to YouTotal****.com, type in a comment and hear it screamed into the ear piece of the announcer who has just got on your nerves. For example, if you are watching Sunday Night Football and John Madden has uttered one of his slight inanities, you type in your riposte (e.g. "YOU'RE ANNOYING ME!!!!") and this brave company claims it can identify the frequency of Mr. Madden's headset and scream your invective loudly into his ears for you. You know it has worked when you hear Mr. Madden utter a noise somewhat different from his usual "BOOM!!!" Something like "BAAAAAAAGHHHHH!!!!"

I really would appeal to the TechCrunch50 panel to take one more look at these five fine companies. They are trying to improve people's lives in even greater ways than Mother Teresa.