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The bike with a flamethrower and ejector seat

A U.K. insurer asks cyclists what they hate most about cycling. On the basis of the results, it builds a bike featuring a Caterpillar track, a flamethrower, and an ejector seat.

There are two kinds of cyclists.

The good cyclists obey the basic rules of the road and don't take up half of it as they chat to their accountant friend from the cycling club. The bad ones ignore stop signs, ride straight through red lights, and delight in banging on the roof of your car with one hand while giving you the finger with the other, as if their blind arrogance was somehow all your fault.

According to the Telegraph, the U.K. insurer, ETA, which also seems to enjoy the brand name ilovemybike.co.uk, decided to talk to 800 cyclists. (I presume that at least some were the good ones.)

ETA wanted to know what these cyclists hated most about their chosen mode of transport. The company was, no doubt, stunned into inarticulateness on hearing that 52 percent truly loathed "cars and lorries passing too close."

So, being conservative types, this insurance company thought it would build a bike that had a flamethrower. Yes, flaming fires of war are ejected from the handlebar of the new BOND bike. Which allegedly stands for "Built of Notorious Deterrents."

You might think I am joking. I, though, am fairly confident that it is ETA that has leaped on the Eric Schmidt humor joyride.

However, I have embedded a film of this bike, which also answers the complaints of 25 percent of the respondents, who said they hated roads that have holes in them. For this, the BOND bike has caterpillar tracks on the back wheel.

You might also be enchanted by the fact that this fine invention has an ejector seat to deter thieves. This even though only 7 percent of respondents worried about having their bike stolen.

For the 2 percent of clearly schizoid Brits who worried about cold weather, the designers also slipped in a ski blade with which riders can replace the front wheel.

I am desolate to relate that this bike is for show rather than sale. It was made to be displayed at something I am mortified to be missing next week: the Cycle Show in London.

I am confident, though, that given the vast enthusiasm shown by so many for the so-called lightsaber that can turn your face into a charcoal cookie, some enterprising manufacturer will take this design and set it on the road to mass production.

But how will your insurance company react when you tell them your car was damaged by a flamethrowing bike? Even if it was designed by an insurance company?