Xbox Live Gold price increase Nvidia Shield update Third stimulus check details Microsoft AI chatbot patent Bernie Sanders' mittens memes Returning stimulus money to the IRS Galaxy S21 review

That can't have been Blackberry's Super Bowl ad, can it?

BlackBerry's much-awaited ad for its Z10 offers a glimpse of everything that the phone can't do. Is that supposed to be intriguing? Perhaps.

Dream on. BlackBerry/Hulu Screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk

Here's a few things I need to tell you about BlackBerry's Z10.

You cannot launch a Soyuz rocket from it. You cannot use it to make scrambled eggs with truffle oil. You cannot cut your hair with it.

You cannot milk a cow with it. Nor can you milk a rhinoceros with it.

You cannot use it to floss your teeth, steer your alpaca or clean your windows with it.

You cannot marry 12 wives, using it as your minister.

You cannot get it to construct a new mansion for you in the Turks and Caicos Islands. You cannot get it to turn one of your hands into a pair of garden shears. You cannot get it to de-bone a chicken for you in the style of Jacques Pepin.

Sadly, another of the things you cannot get it to do is defend you in court on an embezzlement charge.

Converse with an intellectual orangutan or an elephant that is walking upon stilts? Marginally impossible.

It cannot dissuade you from getting a tattoo of a goat's shoulders across your face.

It cannot show you how to open your mouth wide enough to emit a college marching band.

It cannot whistle like a cathedral or expectorate like a former nun who's lost her winning lottery ticket.

It cannot turn your lampshade into a four-bedroom apartment in Queens.

It cannot walk all the way to Aziza restaurant in San Francisco in order to bring you back some flatbread and a little lentil soup.

It cannot turn wine into water, metal into wood nor your Mazda into your garage when you're inebriated.

BlackBerry's Z10 most certainly cannot dance the tango with an ostrich.

I was told that, just before the rich people were trapped in the darkened New Orleans Superdome, BlackBerry ran an ad for the Z10.

It can't have done that.

However, I am told it did. BlackBerry Chief Marketing Officer Frank Boulben wanted to air an unconventional commercial. "If you do a traditional commercial at the Super Bowl, it will fall flat," he said.

Oh, I almost forgot. The Z10 can't fall flat either.